


Disconnect the Dots

by r2q5



Series: Bluebird [2]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Age Regression/De-Aging, Childhood Trauma, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Therapy, you get the gist
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-16
Updated: 2018-11-05
Packaged: 2019-02-03 02:43:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 26,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12739392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/r2q5/pseuds/r2q5
Summary: Having gotten his vaccine, Hux struggles to put the experience to rest. It's not as easy as he wished, and old wounds get dragged to the surface as Kylo and Hux try to work through their feelings post-incident.A sequel toBluebird.





	1. Routine

**Author's Note:**

> finally coming back to this series! I'm feeling confident about it, have the outline all planned out and hoping to update fairly regularly. thank you all so much for reading!
> 
> very important to read the first fic in this series, [Bluebird](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10091831/chapters/22480265) before this one.

By the time they had made it back to their shared quarters, the ambient lights of the Finalizer were beginning to dim, a simulation of the rising and setting of an absent sun. It was early evening, and Delta shift would begin soon, most of the personnel going to their beds while the night crew trickled out to take over operations.

Hux was still distant, shaken, having been forced to face his biggest phobia only a few minutes earlier. He and Kylo made the walk back to their quarters without incident, Kylo gently leading him and taking care to avoid other personnel on the way, just in case. Hux’s eyes were unfocused and bleary, and he seemed to simply be following Kylo's movements, as if his mind was on autopilot. The incident had sucked the energy out of them both.

Kylo held Hux’s arm in one hand, typing in the code to his quarters with this other. The doors slid open with a hiss, and Kylo led him inside.

They stopped, and stood in silence for a few moments as the doors slid shut behind them. Kylo let go of his arm, but Hux made no further movement, standing in place and staring at the floor blankly. It was uncomfortably silent, only the ever-present hum of the environment control and ship engines filled the space between them.

 _Where are we supposed to go from here?,_ Kylo wondered.

He hesitated just a moment, then gathered Hux gently, slightly awkwardly, in an embrace. He was still unsure of and unused to this sort of emotional intimacy between them. Hux tensed for a moment, then slowly relaxed. He buried his face in the crook of Kylo’s neck and wrapped his arms softly around him, reciprocating the embrace. Kylo drew him tighter to his chest and sighed, letting the tension of the day escape him in a drawn-out exhale.

He was relieved to see the familiar setting of their living space, although he reminded himself the day wasn’t quite done. The worst part was over, but he would still have to take care of Hux, who was likely to remain in a regressed, paranoid state for the rest of the evening.

He rubbed his hand in circles over Hux’s back, absentmindedly. His breaths were still shaky, but gradually calming as Kylo held him.

Kylo found himself wondering again, _what now?_ He still had limited experience in the Care and Keeping of Hux, who tended to shut him out and demand to be left alone when troubled. The New Hux was entirely different, but equally as troubling. Kylo felt like a researcher, trying to save an exotic, rare animal - hoping desperately he was doing the right thing, trying to help a creature he knew nothing about.

His mind was racing, when Hux’s stomach suddenly growled, noisily. Hux stiffened in embarrassment and Kylo chuckled, feeling a little relieved. That was an easy enough problem to solve.

“We ought to get you something to eat, hmm? You must've been too nervous to eat before that appointment, I don't blame you.” Kylo kissed his cheek.

Hux huffed and reddened slightly, avoiding Kylo's eyes. Kylo giggled and ruffled his hair, feeling a bit deranged.

“Come sit down and I'll get us something to eat, alright?”

Hux allowed himself to be led to the couch, but didn't sit down. Kylo let go of his arm, but Hux’s hand shot back up immediately, not wanting to be separated.

Kylo tugged at the grip of his arm gently, but Hux wouldn't relent, looking panicked- as if Kylo was going to abandon him on his way to his way to the kitchen.

They were silent for a few moments.

“I just- need you to sit down for a bit, alright?”

Hux looked at the couch apprehensively.

“I’ll just be a minute, I promise. Then we can lay on the couch and uh- cuddle together? ...Would you like that?” Kylo asked, hopefully. The words still sounded awkward coming from his mouth, and Kylo winced internally.

Hux nodded slightly. He continued holding his arm for a few moments then let go, reluctantly, staring at the floor.

Kylo let out a small breath of relief.

“Good boy.” Kylo said, and kissed him on the cheek again.

His mind balked at the words as soon as they left his mouth. If Hux was in his right mind, he certainly would have as well. But he wasn't.

Instead, Kylo felt the tiniest flicker of happiness from Hux at being praised, and his heart ached.

Hux sat on the couch and drew his knees up to his chest. Kylo remembered his initial objective, and made a path for the small pantry in the kitchen.

He grabbed a few snacks and a bottle of water, and walked back to join Hux on the couch, putting the food on the coffee table as he sat down. Hux scooted over, shyly leaning against Kylo's side. Kylo smiled and kissed his head.

“You gotta sit up if you wanna eat, sweetheart.”

Hux huffed.

“I'm not hungry.”

“You're not?” Kylo's eyebrows rose with mock-surprise.

Hux was silent for a moment. Then he buried his face into Kylo's side.

“No.” Hux answered, voice muffled.

“Your tummy was growling just a few minutes ago!” Kylo teased, reaching down to gently tickle Hux’s stomach under his T-shirt.

Hux let out the smallest giggle and squirmed around, muffled again by Kylo's side.

“I can still hold you while you eat. Would you like that?”

Hux considered this, and nodded.

“Let's do this, then. C’mere”

Kylo grabbed him gently, and adjusted so that Hux was sitting in his lap, similar to how they were in the medbay. Hux noticed the food on the table and stared at it with wide eyes. Kylo followed his gaze to the box of snack cakes and pastries he had pulled from the pantry, the same box he had gotten into days earlier. Kylo rubbed his arm, affectionately.

“How about some apple slices?” Kylo asked, reaching over to grab a bag of dehydrated fruit.  
  
Hux huffed.

Kylo giggled himself, this time. “You can’t eat just sweets or your tummy will hurt. Let’s eat something healthy, and then you can have all the sweets you want, ok?” He tickled his stomach again and Hux squirmed and giggled again, despite himself. Kylo felt like the sun was shining directly on his heart, delighted to see Hux laughing despite the circumstances.

“Are apple slices okay?”

“Uh-huh.” Hux grabbed the bag from him and tore it open with his teeth.

The rest of the evening was spent like that, the two of them eating and cuddling on the couch until they were both full and tired, fully exhausted from the day’s events. Kylo was getting better at interacting with him, he thought to himself, the awkwardness becoming less and less of an issue as the evening progressed.

Eventually, Hux began to nod off against Kylo’s chest. Kylo noticed he had a smear of chocolate on his cheek, and licked his finger to gently wipe it away. Hux shifted a bit in his sleep. Kylo didn’t move for several moments, reluctant to disturb him.

An unexpected surge of emotion struck Kylo as he stared at Hux, asleep on his chest. He was unable to identify it at first, a jumble of feelings and ache in his chest like he’d never experienced before.

The protectiveness was to be expected. But there was something else.

_Sadness?_

He enjoyed caring for him like this, Kylo suddenly realized. It was selfish, Hux wasn’t in his right mind and there was no way he would allow this to continue when he was back to normal. Kylo had meet a new side of Hux, and he didn’t want to say goodbye.

He quickly berated himself for his thoughts. He should be relieved the ordeal was over, that Hux wouldn’t have to go through any more trauma and pain related to the vaccination. This altered state of consciousness was a defense mechanism born from Hux’s trauma, not a doll for him to play with.

( _Is this really the end, though?_ Kylo wondered. Lesath had mentioned further treatment. But the urgency was gone, any kind of exposure therapy would likely be done at a much more gradual pace.)

A far more disturbing thought crossed his mind, one that had been lingering in the back of his mind for days.

Protectiveness… and _love_ were dangerous emotions, traps that would ultimately only serve to ensnare him in the light, a deceptive, tempting, _dangerous_ force. It was how his grandfather had fallen, through sentiment. The darkness encompassed anger, passion, and fear, but there was no room for love.

This had not been an issue when he and Hux had started their relationship, born simply of passion and mutual benefit. Kylo was feeling himself beginning to slip.

Even more disturbing was that he didn’t want it to stop.

Kylo sighed and stood up, holding Hux in his arms, careful not to wake him. He walked him to the bed and laid him down, pulling the blankets over his lithe, almost fragile-looking form. He brushed a bit of hair back on his forehead and watched his chest gently rise and fall with his breaths.

Even like this, Hux only seemed at ease when he was asleep.

Kylo kissed his forehead, then went to prepare for bed, heart heavy in his chest.  


* * *

 

Kylo woke up to Hux rolling out of bed early in the morning. The bedside light flicked on, and Kylo groaned dramatically, rolling over and shoving his face into the covers. He would never understand how Hux got up so early every day.

He felt a pillow lobbed at the back of his head.

“Stop whining. Get up, you need to pack for the mission tomorrow. I know you haven’t even started yet.”  
  
Kylo arranged the pillow on top of his face.

“A few more minutes?”

It was Hux’s turn to sigh dramatically. “You're pathetic, Kylo.”

Hux’s words would sound cruel to anyone else, but Kylo could sense the note of affection in his voice, having spent so long together. He smiled to himself, hidden by the covers. Hux was courteous enough to turn the light back out before he left, Kylo not having moved an inch.

Some hours later Kylo finally managed to roll out of bed. He sat up, stretching and yawning lazily.

Hux was right. The past week had gone by so quickly, it was nearly time for the mission that had caused this headache in the first place. There wasn't a lot he had to pack, but Hux would have his head if he wasn't prepared next morning.

He showered, dressed, and packed, ready to face the day in less than an hour. His comm beeped as he was wondering what to do next.

A message from Phasma, requesting his presence in one of the training rooms. Interesting. Most likely, she wanted him to help oversee some of the new training programs for the troopers.

Ren put on his mask, and headed out towards the training rooms.

* * *

 

Kylo was right, after all. He and Phasma stood in the viewing area, while Phasma explained the details of new routine she had implemented. Kylo offered suggestions, and even ran through the routine himself a few times.

It wasn't strictly his area, but he enjoyed it. Phasma benefitted from having a second opinion, and Kylo enjoyed the exercise. It was a welcome change from the politics and meaningless drivel he was often forced to sit through during meetings or on the bridge. The drills helped keep his mind occupied, and scaring the wits out of Stormtroopers was always amusing.

The day passed quickly and enjoyably. He was back in his quarters, changing out of his robes when he heard a voice behind him.

“So you made it out of bed after all?”

Kylo turned around, surprised at the sound of Hux's voice. He was standing by the door, the barest hint of a smile on his face.

“Hux.” Kylo smiled. “How was your day?”

“Fine.” Hux replied, not unkindly, hanging up his greatcoat. “What have you been doing all day? I didn’t see you on the bridge at all.”

“Phasma wanted me to oversee a new training routine.”

“Interesting. I didn't know you worked with that division.”

“She said more input is always good. But I think she just likes me there to scare the troopers back into shape.”

That got an actual laugh out of Hux. Kylo grinned.

“So how was your day?”

“More of the same.  We received a new recruit this morning, so that was interesting.”

“Oh? What are they like?”

Hux made his way to the bedroom as they continued talking, stripping out of his uniform and carefully folding it. This went on for several minutes, small talk back and forth as they changed into their evening clothes.

It was a typical evening for the two of them, but it felt… odd. Like they were just pretending that everything was normal, or avoiding the Bantha in the room.

But it was over and done with, wasn’t it? What else was there to talk about? The lingering cover of anxiety still fell over both of them, inescapable. Or was it just Kylo?

“I trust you're ready for Akuria tomorrow morning?” Hux asked, snapping Kylo out of his thoughts.

“Yes, of course. Didn't want any distractions tonight, anyway.” Kylo replied, making up his mind.

He put a hand on Hux's side and kissed him. Whatever Hux was about to say melted away as he let out the barest sigh into Kylo's lips.

It was the first real kiss they had shared in ages. The turmoil of the past week had left them occupied, almost distant, in a sense, despite their physical closeness. Distance in a sexual sense, certainly, the thought had not crossed Kylo’s mind once during the past few days, and it raged to the forefront.

Kylo moved his hands to Hux’s cheeks, a palm on each side of his jaw.

There was the physical urge, but moreso, Kylo hoped it would help bring them back into normalcy.

The kiss was slow, gentle, unlike the many they had shared before. Kylo couldn’t bear to do it any differently. The urge rose in him like a tidal wave, for intimacy, closeness, protection. He wanted to hold him, protect him, slaughter anyone that would try to harm or stop them.

When the need for oxygen became too pressing, Hux drew away with the barest gasp. Kylo kept his hands cradling his face, and Hux made no attempt to move them.

“It has been a while, hasn’t it?” Hux asked, amusement and something else in his eyes.

“Too long,” Kylo growled, pulling him close again.

* * *

The rest of the night was a blur of sensations, few words being passed between the two of them. There was no need, their nonverbal communication was loud enough, all the unnecessary and extraneous stripped away.

Hux was already passed out next to Kylo, bare stomach on the bed and head turned to the side, his back rising and falling steadily with his breathing. Kylo ran his hand up and down Hux’s band, absentmindedly, that peculiar ache in his chest appearing once again.

This wasn’t how it was supposed to be.

This gentleness…

He might have been able to excuse the past week as an anomaly, a change in behavior necessitated by Hux’s altered mental state, had he not found himself craving that gentleness even now.

Their relationship had been catalyzed by aggression, two headstrong forces butting up against each other. Even as the years passed and they mellowed out, there was always the undercurrent of competitiveness, of grounding each other in the darkness and in loyalty. The First Order came before… whatever it was they had. That had to be understood. There was no room for compassion, for gentleness, for the _light._

Only one thing was certain, now. Something had changed.

For better or for worse was yet to be seen.


	2. The Mission

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't plan on taking a month to update this but RIP. 
> 
> This is the longest chapter so far so it was kind of intimidating to write. Also, I've been staring at this so long I can't tell if it's decent or not. Sorry if it's garbage.

The command shuttle was ready for them the next morning, prepared and waiting in the main hangar. A small squadron of troopers accompanied them as they boarded, along with Hux’s protocol droid, Kayfour.

The droid wasn’t activated often. Hux only brought it when travelling, which was rare. Kylo couldn’t stand it. It reminded him of his mother’s ancient protocol droid, Threepio, and had only slightly less annoying of a personality.

Kylo wasn’t piloting this time, which was fine by him. He enjoyed flying, but it wouldn’t be more complicated than taking off and plotting a hyperspace route, so he didn’t protest.

Instead, he followed Hux to the small private suite in the back, as the crew prepared for takeoff. Kylo went straight to the bed, flopping down on the like-new sheets and yawning. No matter how many times he had to get up early, he would never get used to it.

Hux sat down in a nearby desk chair, closing his eyes and rubbing his temples. For a man that had spent the majority of his adult life in space, he didn’t enjoy flying very much. Too many things could go wrong.

He didn’t relax fully until they had cleared the Finalizer completely and made the jump to hyperspace.

A few moments later, Hux’s comm beeped once and then spoke. The mechanical voice that followed was Kayfour’s.

“The pilot has informed me we are now in hyperspace and will be arriving in four standard hours. Do you require anything from me before we land?"

“No thank you, Kayfour. Please inform me a few minutes before we arrive. You’re excused now.” Hux said, releasing the talk button.

He looked back at the suite he would be spending the next several hours in. The quarters were rather bare, typically only in use for long hyperspace travels. Hux rarely left the Finalizer, so it had gone mostly unused. Along with the bed Kylo was currently laying on, there was only a small desk, and a coffee table with a few chairs. The walls were bare, with the exception of a small viewport on the opposite wall.

“Throw me your comm,” Kylo said, out of nowhere.

“Why?”  
  
“I want to speak to your droid.”  
  
Hux rolled his eyes but tossed the comm over to him.

Kylo studied it a moment, then pressed the “last call” button. The other end picked up instantly.

“Yes?”  
  
“Kayfour, bring me a bag of chips.”

There was a slight pause on the other end.

“You are not Master Hux. I only take orders from Master Hux.”

Kylo rolled his eyes.

“Hux, tell your droid to bring me food.”  
  
“I think you’re capable of walking to the shuttle food storage yourself.”

Kylo groaned loudly and dramatically.

“Fine,” Hux snapped. He raised his voice slightly, so the comm would pick it up. “Kayfour, listen to Kylo.”

There was a pause on the other end.

“Very well.”

Kylo snorted in amusement. He could feel Hux’s disapproval from the other side of the room.

He yawned again, watching Hux pull his datapad out of his small travel bag. It would be several hours until they arrived, and Hux never wasted a single opportunity to get work done. Kylo tried to enjoy the downtime when he could afford it, especially with how often he was off-ship.

Kayfour entered the suite a few moments later, a small package clutched in its mechanical hand. Kylo held out his hand expectantly and made a beckoning gesture, not rising from the bed.

Kayfour walked over to him, only to throw the bag in his face.

“Terribly sorry. It seems as though my motor circuits malfunctioned just then.”

Kylo scowled, picking the bag off his face and inspecting it.

“This isn’t even what I asked you for,” Kylo complained.  
  
“The food storage did not have chips, unfortunately. I thought you might be satisfied with some peanuts instead.”

“Yeah. Peanuts. Nothing better.”  
  
“If you’re not satisfied, I could perhaps look for something else.”

“No. This is fine. Go now.” Kylo said, waving his hand dismissively.

“Always a pleasure to be of service,” Kayfour said in a voice that sounded suspiciously sarcastic.

Kylo grunted in acknowledgement, studying the small package in his hand.

“You two seem to be getting along well, as usual,” Hux commented after Kayfour had left the room.

“It’s a  _droid_ , Kylo replied, annoyed. “You should have its personality core reset.”

“I have yet to have any problems with Kayfour. He just doesn’t like you.” Hux replied, amused.

Kylo huffed and ripped open the seal on the peanuts, pouring all of them into his mouth at once.

Hux turned back to his datapad. They had a long trip ahead of them.

After a while longer of trying to stave off boredom and failing, Kylo kicked off his boots and tried to sleep. Rest evaded him, and he floated in and out of consciousness, irritated.

Kylo wasn’t always fond of hyperspace travel either, but for different reasons. He was easily bored, and there wasn’t much to do on the small command vessels.

“Why don’t you take a break from that thing and talk to me?” Kylo asked, after about an hour of fitful rest.

“Talk about what?” Hux asked, without looking up.  
  
“How about the mission?”

“What’s there to discuss? I assume you read the briefing, didn’t you?”  
  
Kylo huffed. It wasn’t Hux’s intention to be rude, but he could be difficult to converse with sometimes. Neither had fantastic social skills, and Hux wasn’t used to having conversations unless it served a clear purpose or objective.

“Yeah, but doesn’t it seem a bit odd to you? That we were both sent for some banal resource negotiations?”  
  
Hux shrugged. “Their natural resources will be vital for Starkiller.”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t necessitate us both being there,” Kylo said. “We have these negotiations all the time via holo-conference, and most of the time that’s delegated to resource management.”

Hux closed his datapad silently.

“It is odd, I agree.” he admitted. “But that doesn’t change anything. We have our orders.”

“I think this mission may be more important than the Supreme Leader has let on.”  
  
“Why would he tell us differently, then?”  
  
“I don’t know. Maybe it's a test, or something force-related. I don’t know why else I would have been sent along with you.”

Hux was silent. The force wasn’t his area, and it bothered him that he didn’t fully understand it. His comfort zone was in military strategy and technology. Predictable, well-understood concepts. Things like the force threw a wild and unexpected variable into the equation.

“We’ll see, though.” Kylo continued. “Snoke didn’t give us any further instructions, so. Like you said. Just do as we’re told.”  
  
Hux nodded in agreement.

Silence, for a moment. Kylo stepped off the bed quietly and stretched, walking over to where Hux was seated. He bent down to wrap his arms around him from behind. Hux gently relaxed at the contact.

“I tried to take a nap, but I couldn’t fall asleep.” Kylo muttered, nuzzling his neck.

“I noticed.” Hux replied, amused. He put a hand on Kylo’s arm, rubbing it absentmindedly.

“I know what it is, though.”

“Enlighten me.”

“You weren’t with me.” Kylo answered, kissing his cheek. Hux made a face and blushed.

“Are you suggesting I neglect my work so I can go be your personal travel pillow?”

“Uh-huh.”

Hux made a noise of amusement, but hesitated, silent for a few moments.

“Give me a few more minutes to wrap up this report? I don’t want to leave it unfinished.” Hux asked, quietly.

Kylo grinned. “And then you’ll snuggle with me?”

Hux rolled his eyes. “Yes Kylo, and then I’ll  _snuggle with you._ ”  
  
Kylo kissed his bright red cheek.

* * *

They ended up spending the rest of the trip napping together, the warmth of the bed and each other being too tempting to ignore. Several hours later, Hux’s comm beeped again, and Hux reluctantly untangled himself to reach for it. It was Kayfour, informing him of their departure from hyperspace.

Hux glanced out the viewport. A small, rocky planet orbited a red giant star, millions of miles away. They had arrived, then. In a few minutes they would be on-ground.

They dressed quietly and efficiently, Hux retrieving the uniform he had carefully folded before laying down. Kylo picked his robes up off the floor.

With each layer, they crossed the barrier from their private to their public selves. Hux adjusted his greatcoat over his shoulders. Kylo latched his helmet. They were ready. 

* * *

There was a loud hiss as the shuttle landed, and the loading dock lowered automatically. Hux exited first, accompanied by Ren and several stormtroopers behind him. There was a man waiting for them, presumably the Akurian representative sent to greet them. Hux seemed to recognize him, nodding in acknowledgement.

“General Hux, Lord Ren. Very nice to see you. Welcome to Akuria.” The man bowed.

Kylo considered him. At first glance, he appeared human, but there was something off about him. His eyes were brighter, larger, skin paler and slightly scaly in texture. He had a slight accent, but his Basic was clear.

“Mr. Ruellis. Nice to see you as well.” Hux replied, shaking his hand. Kylo stayed silent.

“I'm sure you must be exhausted after your trip. Shall I show you where you’ll be staying?” He turned around, long robes billowing behind him. Hux followed, continuing polite small talk with the representative.

Kylo zoned out. Democracy was Hux's area, not his. If Snoke wanted him here, it had to be for something else.

His eyes wandered around the spaceport as they walked. It seemed fairly standard, but strangely, there weren’t many ships or people walking around. The mission briefing had mentioned Akuria’s technology was somewhat primitive, but bustling spaceports were typically expected for any planet that dealt with offworld trading, especially in a capital city. Perhaps they were a more isolated civilization.

After their luggage was dropped off, the rest of the day was a blur spent meeting and shaking hands with government officials. Most of them spoke passable Basic, but for the ones that didn’t, Kayfour acted as an interpreter.

Kylo felt himself becoming more and more annoyed with every moment that passed. The process was truly archaic. There was no purpose served from them being here, no objective that couldn't be solved via holo-conference on the safety of the Finalizer.

Kylo tried to put the evening to use. He learned as much about Akuria as he could, hoping to find a clue that would lead him to his still-unknown objective.

There was no single leader of Akuria, he discovered. The decision-making process was done through a council of representatives, twenty in total. Also in attendance would be various scientific and technical advisors who held no voting power, but were called upon to provide insight where the council members could not.

The process was so archaic it exasperated him - every member would be arriving physically, of course - force forbid they expedite the process via holo-conference - which could have saved them the trouble of even visiting this worthless ball of dirt in the first place - could have saved Hux the pain of reliving a traumatic experience for some banal resource negotiations. He could be drinking caf in the safety of a Finalizer conference room right now, instead of being parsecs away from their fleet, and Kylo could have been doing something better with his time rather than pretending to play diplomat.

 _Patience,_ Kylo reminded himself. The Supreme Leader was wise, and must have had a reason to send him here.

He sighed, the breath expressing as static through the metal of the mask.

* * *

 Hours later, they were being served dinner, or rather Hux was. Kylo and the Stormtroopers stood motionless against the wall, looming like guard dogs.

Kylo could have joined in if he pleased, but he felt it improper to remove the mask in such a circumstance. Instead, he focused on his objective, scanning the room with the force. He hadn’t found anything useful all day, and he was growing frustrated and desperate.

They were in a medium-sized dining room, one large table dominating the entirety of the space. Hux was making small talk with the person to his right, a woman that had introduced herself as “Thalia” to them earlier, one of the representatives on the council. Across from them were the two closest people Akuria had to “rulers” - known as the Coordinators, in charge of assembling and guiding the council on interplanetary negotiations. They had been introduced as Dex and Keda. Around the rest of the table were other officials, some that Kylo had met, some that he hadn’t. Currently enjoying a roast entrée that made Kylo’s stomach growl in jealousy, despite himself.

He couldn’t dip too far into anyone’s mind without being noticed, but he could skim off the top of the water, in a sense. Reading surface thoughts, emotions, general sentiments.

His probing confirmed what he had already suspected after touring the spaceport. This was a rare occasion for them. Akuria was isolated, by their own desire. The population was free to come and go as they pleased, but they preferred to remain self-sufficient and deal with outsiders only when necessary.

A protection deal with the First Order would be beneficial to them, however. Their military was weak, and pirates had become a nuisance, taking advantage of their peaceful nature. With the First Order’s help, they would be able to fend off unwelcome visitors entirely.

Kylo turned his focus to the Coordinators, sensing a number of things. Confidence, suspicion, hope. Annoyance. Dex was listening to a representative he didn’t particularly care for ramble on about something unimportant. Keda was picking at her meal, nervousness turning her stomach too much to enjoy iy.

This undercurrent of anxiety ran through them both. It was to be expected, the fate of their planet could be at stake. There was also a more potent, pressing worry, however, hidden below the surface.

It was small, but it was the only thing he had to go on, so far. It didn’t do him much good to him now, however, he wouldn’t be able to access the information without forcibly entering their minds.

It was like trying to tell what was inside a wrapped gift. He could tell the shape and size, roughly, could shake the box and hear it rattle, but if he wanted to know what was inside, he would have to tear the delicate wrapping.

He needed to meditate. He would have time, hopefully, if this dinner didn’t drag on forever.

He sent Hux the mental equivalent of a tap on the shoulder. Hux sent back a pulse of acknowledgement.

“ _See if you can speed things up. I need the evening to investigate something_.”

He felt a pulse of annoyance from Hux.

“ _Politeness is very important to these people. We can’t just walk away from a dinner whenever we feel like it, we don’t want to offend them_.”

A pulse of annoyance from Kylo, and amusement from Hux, this time.

“ _This is why I’m the diplomat here, not you, Kylo. Be patient, this shouldn’t take too much longer._ ”

* * *

 They had been prepared separate rooms, which their luggage had been brought to earlier in the day. Hux had Kayfour discreetly check for taps, ever paranoid, before setting foot in it.

Kylo peeked into his own room, making sure his possessions were where he left them, before he slipped into Hux’s. The room was mostly identical to his, elegant but simple decor. The main light was off, lit only by the bedside lamp.

Kylo sat in a nearby armchair and closed his eyes, waiting silently while Hux got ready for bed.

“I thought you were going to _investigate_ ”, he heard Hux say, finally, walking out the bathroom in a black robe.

“I am. I need to meditate.”  
  
“Isn’t that typically done alone?” Hux asked, bending down to unzip his travel bag.

Kylo nodded. “I wanted to speak to you first, though.”  
  
“What’s on your mind, then?”  
  
“What do you think of them? These negotiations so far.”

Hux retrieved his datapad and charger from the bag, then walked to bed.

“The negotiations don’t start until tomorrow, Kylo. This has all been pointless fluff so far.”  
  
Kylo rolled his eyes. “You know what I mean.”

“Well,” Hux sighed, pausing for a moment. “Nothing seems out of the ordinary at the moment, even if I think these rituals are a waste of time. They’re a proud but practical people, inherently suspicious of us, I believe, but shouldn’t be hard to sway. What did you sense?”  
  
Good. Hux’s observations seemed to match up with his own, for the most part.

“I agree with what you said. But I sensed anxiety in several of them, particularly the coordinators. Not about us, something… on a smaller, more immediate scale. It could be nothing, but I want to meditate on it, see if I can find out more.”

“I thought you could read minds.”

Kylo huffed, rolling his eyes again. “It’s more complicated than that. I can’t pull out actual details without them noticing me. That would be rude.”

“I suppose it would be.” Hux pulled back the sheets of the bed and climbed in.

“Will you be staying here tonight, or retiring back to your own room?” Hux asked.

“I’d like to stay in here and meditate if it makes no difference to you. Your presence, um. I prefer to be near you, you’re a sort of… focusing energy.” Kylo admitted, his face turning red.

Hux smirked as he made himself comfortable, retrieving his datapad from the bedside table.

“Whatever suits you best. I have a few things to check up on before I go to sleep, though.”

Kylo snorted. “Of course you do. Go ahead, the light won’t bother me.”

Hux nodded in acknowledgement, Kylo shifted, calming his mind, dipping into a meditative state, trying to find anything that would give a clue as to what he was doing here.

Meditation wasn’t a linear process, especially for Kylo, nor was it a practice he particularly enjoyed. Quieting his mind was a difficult task, and a frightening one at times, scared of what he might find fumbling around in the dark of his subconscious.

Tonight he wasn’t looking inward, however. He would let the force and his intuition guide him outwards.

The calming, focused aura of Hux, only a few feet away from him. Foundation still a bit shaken from the events of the past week, but steady.

The bored, but focused minds of the Stormtroopers standing guard outside. Various minds, presences, an overwhelming maze of consciousness inhabiting the building.

Kylo stretched his mind out further. The capital city they were in now, Sarik. A buzz of life, millions of lifeforms.

No. Further.

 _Don’t focus on the details_ , the Force whispered to him.  _The bigger picture._

Below them. The foundation. No, not here. Further out, but on this landmass.

Humming. Massive, overwhelming yet subtle, a foundation of energy. The background noise he had tuned out, clear now that he identified it. He listened, now.

A force presence. A massive one. Alive but not living, not quite sentient, either.

Kyber crystals.

One of the largest deposits he had ever felt, hiding right beneath the earth. How had they not discovered it, yet?

 _Sacred. Sacred land_. An ancient population living above it, the protectors.

Many, many miles away. Sweat dripped from Kylo with the effort, focusing in on the area.

They worshipped the crystals? No, not worshipped. A symbiotic relationship, one they didn’t fully understand. The crystals whispered to them, gave them insight, secrets.

Unease. The village was worried. They sensed something was wrong.

Another presence stood out to him. A man, an elder, very important to the community, a vital part. Missing, not gone. Travelling. Miles out.

He was a force sensitive, but barely. He didn’t understand his gift, couldn’t wield it in the way the Jedi could. But he could sense things, things the crystals whispered to him.

He knew something was wrong. His home, threatened. His duty was to protect the land, preserve the crystals. Protect that which protected him, his home, and his community

He was travelling for the same reason Kylo was travelling.

He was on his way to Sarik, for the negotiations.

He is a representative.

Kylo’s eyes shot open and his head bucked up, gasping. He was back in the guest room, now illuminated only by the light of Hux's datapad, which shined on his disapproving face.

Kylo checked the chrono mounted on the wall. He had been meditating for several hours, it was now late into the night.

"What are you still doing up?", he asked Hux.

Hux frowned at him. "I could ask you the same thing."

Kylo stood up. "Nevermind, I gotta go- I have a- Ow!" his legs had fallen asleep.  "Gotta- take care of something."

“Care to tell me what it is?” Hux asked, annoyed.

Kylo shook his head.

“No time. Gotta- gotta go. I figured it out. I'll explain later. Bye.”

Kylo stumbled out of the room, swinging the door open and surprising the Stormtroopers on guard. He ignored them.

He needed to find this man, before he arrived. He was thankful, for just a moment, for Akuria’s somewhat primitive technology. It would make his job much easier.

Now that he knew the man's force signature, he shouldn't be hard to find, Kylo supposed. Find him, kill him. Make it look like an accident. Negotiations take place and the deal is set in stone with no problems. Then, the First Order will be in possession of the largest untouched Kyber Crystal deposit Kylo had ever sensed.

He wondered how to approach the problem of finding him. He had a rough geographic idea of where the kyber deposits and the associated village were, but no map to connect that to. He also knew that his target was traveling, would be arriving at this location in the next few hours, but he needed to find him before that. That way, he could play it off as a traveling accident.

Kylo felt himself becoming excited. Snoke hadn't sent him for diplomatic purposes, after all. He missed this game, this hunt.

First, needed to find out what the actual name of this village was, as well as the name of his target. He couldn't ask around without arousing suspicion, especially in the middle of the night. He needed access to a public archive, library, he mused. But all the information would be in Akurian, not Basic. He needed...

Kylo sighed and pulled out his comm, typing in a short sequence of numbers. The other end picked up immediately.

“Kayfour. Where are you?”

* * *

 "I do not think Master Hux would approve of this."

"Yeah, well suck it up. You have orders to obey me as well."

Kylo didn't know how a droid managed to radiate disapproval, but he certainly felt it.

"I need to find some sort of public archive or library, and then find some information," Kylo explained. They were in Kylo’s guest quarters now, Kylo pacing back and forth in the room.

"The building complex we are in currently has a digital archive in the South wing. It would help, of course, if you specified the information you are searching for."

Kylo wanted to strangle him. The droid was like a mechanical Hux, without any of his positive traits.

"Names. Locations. Transportation and roads, real easy stuff. Think you can handle it?" Kylo replied.

Kayfour didn't choose to dignify that with an answer.

"The South wing is this way," he offered instead, opening the door. "Follow me."

Kylo followed him, as the droid hobbled along at a glacial pace. Thankfully, it wasn't a long walk to the archives. It was locked, however, and Kylo forced it open with a flick of his wrist. Kayfour hobbled inside while Kylo flicked on the lights.

There was an empty desk and several terminals. It appeared to be more for official rather than public use. Kayfour picked up a cable and connected himself to one of the terminals.

"I need a list of all the representatives on the council, along with the territories they represent, and information relating to those territories." Kylo said. “In Basic, obviously.”

"That doesn't sound like something we need to break into the archives at night for. That should all be very public information."

"I am not collecting information on a council member in the middle of the night for  _fun_ , Kayfour."

"Whatever you say. Shall I upload the information to your data pad?"

"Yes," he replied, handing over the tablet.

Kayfour pulled out another cable from the terminal, then plugged it into the data pad.

"Anything else I can do for you, Master Ren?" Kayfour asked as he handed the datapad back." Droids weren't supposed to sound sarcastic, either, but his voice was suspiciously droll.

"Yes, actually. Give me a minute to look through this," Kylo replied, pulling out a chair as he scrolled through the transferred files. One entry, in particular, caught his eye.

 

> _DARBAZA_
> 
> _REPRESENTATIVE: FREDIK MOZH_
> 
> _DESERT COMMUNITY. CLASS A PROTECTED._
> 
> _LAND IS CONSIDERED SACRED AND SPIRITUALLY SIGNIFICANT DUE TO CRYSTAL CAVES BENEATH EARTH._
> 
> _COMMUNITY IS PREDOMINANTLY RURAL AND HIGHLY SPIRITUAL. SOME RELIGIOUS LEADERS CLAIM FUTURE SIGHT. LEADERS HAVE HISTORICALLY PROVIDED INSIGHTS THAT HAVE SAVED AKURIA FROM DISASTER._
> 
> _MAJOR EXPORTS..._

 

"Darbaza. That's the one," Kylo said. "Look up routes from Darbaza to Sarik, something traversable by animal." Kylo had sensed another force presence with Mozh, non-sentient, likely a pack animal he was riding, given his glacial traveling pace.

"Uploading a map to your data pad.” Kayfour announced.

“Thanks,” Kylo replied, tonelessly. "Delete any traces we were here. I have what I need, now."

"Already done, sir."

"Good. Then get out of here and go back to wherever the hell you came from."

"It would be my pleasure, Master Ren," Kayfour replied tonelessly, Kylo already jogging out of the room.

* * *

Several hours later, in the early morning, Kylo spotted him.

He had been camped out by the rural passageway Kayfour had informed him of, tracking Mozh’s force signature as it steadily grew nearer and nearer, heading towards him.  
  
The only light was from the three pale moons shining above, illuminating the stone road.

Mozh was close. He could feel him. Any minute, now.

_There._

A lumbering, four legged mammal carried a frail, elderly man on its back. Kylo didn’t recognize the species, but it was probably a fairly standard pack animal on Akuria.

The animal’s force signature was weak. Sick, or wounded perhaps. He sensed concern from Mozh at his steed’s condition, at the slow, lumbering stride. That must have been the reason Mozh was so late, and the reason for the Coordinator’s anxiety earlier.

Well, it worked for him.

Kylo locked in on the beast’s force signature and sent a wave of energy to overload its senses.

The beast made a horrible, pained sound, bucking up and throwing Mozh off its back. Mozh hit the ground with a sickening  _snap,_ and the beast ran away, terrified. Kylo let it.

Mozh was laying on the stone road, bleeding. The fall had injured him, but he was still conscious. Good.

Kylo crouched over him, getting a better look. Mozh’s eyes widened in hope, then in fear. He had pale, blue, eyes, a scruffy beard, and long grey hair. He looked like Luke, Kylo thought, bitterly.

“Nothing personal,” Kylo muttered, pressing a gloved hand to the man’s bleeding head, tearing through his mental defences like cobwebs.

The poor man’s head was a mess, still racing and disoriented with fear. He was indeed force sensitive, as Kylo had suspected, but only just. He didn’t understand his own gift. But his tenuous grasp on the force and his connection to the Kyber crystals, in particular, gave him insight.

Kylo searched out what he needed. He pulled as much information as he could regarding the kyber deposits, particularly regarding their locations, and pulled out, committing it to memory.

Kylo opened his eyes. They were alone together on the barren road, Mozh’s animal companion long since having trodden off. The man was crying, mumbling a prayer to himself.

Kylo was disgusted.

He stood up, unclipping his lightsaber from his belt. He ignited it, about to strike, when-

“Wait!”

The man underneath him was crying, still, pleading for his life. Kylo would humor him, then.

“What is it?” Kylo asked, twirling his lightsaber lazily.

The man struggled to catch his breath.“You don’t have to do this, please. I have a child-”

Kylo’s blood went cold.

“...what?” His voice was weak. He was frozen.  
  
The man broke down, sobbing. “A child, and my wife, please, they need me, please-”

Kylo felt sick to his stomach, violence and rage filling him boiling, hatred at himself for hesitating.

He deactivated his lightsaber and watched the man’s eyes fill with hope one last time, before he snapped his neck with the force.

What the fuck was wrong with him.

He wanted to scream, wanted to slash his lightsaber into the trees and bash his head into the stone road for being so fucking stupid and  _weak_. Instead, he punched the ground as hard as he could, screaming in pain as the delicate bones in his hand shifted and cracked.

The pain focused, him, cleared his mind, even as tears leaked from his eyes. He sat crouched on the ground, next to the dead representative, trying to not throw up from the pain, disgust and rage.

He had slaughtered entire villages without blinking an eye. This should have been easy. He could already feel his master’s disappointment in him.

A few minutes later, he stood up shakily, re-clipping his lightsaber to his belt. It was time to get going. His tantrum was over.

Hux would be waiting for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more cute content next chapter. I promise. two more things
> 
> 1\. looking for betas for this fic. please let me know if you're interested!
> 
> 2\. I'm always looking for art of this fic and bluebird. if you take commissions and have a scene in mind that you'd like to draw, hmu on [Tumblr](http://www.r2q5.tumblr.com))
> 
> as always, let me know what you think!


	3. Negotiations and Manipulations

Kylo stumbled back into his guest quarters in the early morning, still ill with disgust and anger. He wanted to crawl under the blankets of his bed and forget everything that happened in the past few hours.

Hux was waiting for him, sitting on the edge of the bed and glaring at him. There were heavy bags under his eyes.

Great.

"What the hell do you want," Kylo growled, pulling off his helmet and throwing it on the floor.

"Where have you been," Hux demanded.

"I told you." Kylo began to pull off gloves and the outer layers of his robes. "I was taking care of something."

"Are you fucking daft?" Hux hissed, standing up. "What crossed your mind when you decided to go off, on your own, on an unfamiliar planet without informing anyone? I know you think yourself above protocol but –"

"It was an easy target," Kylo interjected. "There was no risk. And I'm fine now, alright? Leave it."

Kylo knew Hux had a point, and he resented it. He was not any mood to be having this conversation.

Hux scowled. "Easy or not – it would have taken you less than a minute to inform me where you were going."

Hux paused, his voice going a little softer.

"Gone for hours, no word of your whereabouts, no answer from your comm. And you think me a fool for worrying."

Kylo sighed, and he felt a pang of guilt when Hux mentioned the comm. In his haste, he had left it in his quarters. Hux may have assumed the worst when he didn't answer.

"I think you sound like a worried mother," Kylo grumbled.

"Let me continue, then. When was the last time you ate?"

Kylo was silent. Hux raised an eyebrow.

Kylo sighed again, dragging a hand down his face.

"Look, I – I'm sorry, alright. I should've talked to you before I left."

Hux was silent, waiting for Kylo to continue. 

"It's taken care of, now, I swear.”   
  
Hux was silent for a moment.

“Care to tell me what it was?” he asked.

“Oh, duh, sorry, it’s–" Kylo blinked, remembering that he had an actual objective he was supposed to focus on.

"Kyber. Kyber crystals. There's tons of them in caves, totally untouched. That's why this planet is so important. That's why Snoke sent us here."

Hux's eyes widened.

"How has it remained unmined?"

"The natives – the Akurians- they don't understand the force – know nothing about it, nothing about the Jedi or what Kyber crystals even are, they're so isolated." Kylo began to pace the room.

"The caves are – the land, that whole area, it's protected by some village, they have a planetary agreement that prohibits mining in that area. So you'll have to work that into the agreement, somehow, but it won't be easy. I took out their representative, already, made it look like an accident, so we'll have to be careful, don't make it obvious that's our objective, of course–"

"Slow down," Hux interjected. "Do you have a map?"

"Oh – yeah, hold on." Kylo paused long enough to search through his clothes and find his datapad. He pulled up the map Kayfour had uploaded, briefly hoping Hux wouldn't ask how he had acquired it. He didn't want to explain to Hux that he had taken his droid in the middle of the night without asking him. He hoped Kayfour would keep its mouth shut as well.

They spent a while longer discussing the Kyber deposits, and how to secure them. Kylo was immensely grateful for the shift in conversation, but he was exhausted, barely able to keep his eyes open.

Hux transfer the files to his datapad, making Kylo promise to eat and get some sleep before the meeting that night. Kylo grumbled at Hux fussing over him like a mother hen.

"Take care of that hand, too." Hux had said softly, putting his hand over Kylo's trembling, injured one.

"Oh-" Kylo started, embarrassed. He had forgotten about his injury, distracted by everything else.

"I'll send –" Hux cleared his throat awkwardly. "I'll send a medical droid from the shuttle up, in a bit. Try to get some rest, all right?"

Kylo nodded, exhaling. "Alright."

Hux had left and Kylo was alone, finally. After forcing down a few protein bars he had left in his bag, he collapsed into the plush comfort of the bed, yawning loudly and stretching.

He was finally too tired to think, to consider anything that happened in the last 24 hours. All that mattered to him was the blissful embrace of unconsciousness.

* * *

The feeling of something falling on his face startled him awake. He flailed, expecting an attack, but was met only with the resistance of his bedsheets tangling his limbs.

He saw a metal figure out of the corner of his eye.

"Kayfour?!"

"Master Hux has requested that I inform you the negotiations will begin in approximately two and a half hours, and to make sure you eat something," Kayfour said.

"I have also been sent with MD-41, who will tend to your injured hand."

A medical droid was standing behind Kayfour. It beeped in recognition.

Kylo looked down at the bed, trying to figure out what it hit him in the face. There were several bags of peanuts scattered around, along with a bottle of water. Kylo glowered up at Kayfour. 

"Could you not find any other food?"

"It's what I had on hand," Kayfour replied innocently.

Kylo yawned. He did feel better after his nap, but he was parched. He twisted open the water bottle and downed half of it in one gulp.

Kayfour simply stood there, with the same neutral, mechanical expression that inexplicably always seemed judgmental. The MD droid rolled closer.

"May I see your arm, Master Ren?" it asked in a monotone, artificial voice.

Kylo grunted and shifted so that his legs were over the side of the bed. He held out his injured hand reluctantly, which the medical droid took gently, passing a diagnostic scanner over the skin. His little finger bent at an odd angle, and the skin surrounding it was swollen and red, bruises beginning to form.

Kylo looked back at Kayfour.

"Tell Hux I’m up, will you? Where does he want me to meet him?"

"He will meet you here in approximately one hour to debrief you, and then you will proceed to the negotiations room together."

The MD droid probed his hand. Kylo winced.

"Okay. You can go now."

Kylo rolled his eyes, glancing sullenly at the MD droid. As he was examined, he couldn't help but think back to Hux, and the incident that had occurred just a few days prior.

The First Order medical staff, particularly on its Star Destroyers, was mostly composed of droids. They were designed with efficiency in mind, and therefore not very friendly looking. Stormtroopers and low ranking staff rarely saw human doctors, their care almost fully operated by droids. One of the benefits of being a high-ranking officer was having a human doctor for checkups and exams rather than an MD unit. Even then, droids were used extensively in surgery and on transport shuttles, such as the one they had travelled in.

Kylo wondered if Hux would have preferred a droid to a human doctor. Hux often seemed more comfortable in the presence of droids rather than people, but the poor bedside manner and intimidating appearance of the MD units would likely be no help in quelling his anxiety. There was no easy solution.

"You have sustained a fifth metacarpal fracture in the right hand. I will apply bacta to reduce the swelling and immobilize the injury in a splint." 

Without warning, his hand was pulled forward painfully. Kylo yelped.

Fuck this thing.

The midsection of the droid opened up, revealing a compartment with supplies. Kylo stared at the wall, exhaling as it applied a bacta cream to the swelling. The medication soothed some of the pain and the hot, itchy feeling of the swelling. The split was put into place next, simply a brace that Kylo could take on and off. The droid drolled on about healing times and proper care of the splint, and Kylo tuned it out, annoyed. Had Hux not sent the droid up to him, he likely would've left it untreated, letting it heal on its own.

"-for pain, take one every four to six hours as needed. I recommend scheduling a checkup in-"

"Got it," Kylo grumbled, taking the bottle of painkillers from the droid's outstretched hand, then pushing past it to get the bathroom, eager to take a shower. 

"Have a great day, Sir." it whirred, and wheeled out of the room.

* * *

Sure enough, Hux was at his door exactly an hour later. Kylo had showered, changed into new robes, and was feeling much more like himself. 

Hux shed his greatcoat, carefully folding it and laying it on the bed before sitting next to it, Kylo on his other side.

"How’s your hand?" Hux asked, nodding to the brace Kylo was wearing.

"Oh." Kylo glanced at it. "It's fine, the droid gave me some pain meds." He fiddled with the clasp holding it in place.

"I think I'll take it off while we're out, though. I can't fit it under my glove."

Hux nodded. "Just be careful with it, then." He inhaled and sat up a little straighter, pulling out his datapad.

They spent the next few minutes discussing their plan to secure the kyber deposits. It didn't take long, they had discussed the bulk of their strategy that morning.

"Well," Hux said, reaching over to slip his datapad into the inner pocket of his greatcoat. "We won’t be starting for another hour or so, but best to get down there and... take care of any problems before they can present themselves, so to speak."

Kylo nodded in agreement, carefully taking off his hand brace and slipping on his gloves, then donning his helmet. Hux opened the door.

"Shall we?"

* * *

The "Interplanetary Affairs" hall was a spacious room with high ceilings, dominated by a large, circular table with chairs all around. All of the seats were identical save two, which were bright blue and higher back than the others. Kylo guessed that was where the Coordinators sat, given that they also functioned as debate moderators.

Several advisors and representatives were scattered around, chatting amongst each other nervously. The air in the room was tense.

Hux raised a hand suddenly, nodding sharply. Kylo followed his gaze to Dex Olera across the room, one of the Coordinators he had been introduced to yesterday. Hux walked to him quickly, motioning for Kylo to follow.

Dex turned around with a polite smile, holding a datapad in one hand. He was about Kylo's height, had dark blue hair pulled up in an elaborate braid, and had the same, almost–blue, slightly scaly skin as the rest of the Akurians. 

"Excellent to see you, Mr. Olera." Hux said, shaking his hand. "I believe you've met my co-commander, Kylo Ren?"

"Yes, we met yesterday. Good to see you as well, General Hux, Lord Ren." 

Dex held out a hand for Kylo to shake. Kylo stared at him.

"Lord Ren has- sustained a hand injury, excuse him," Hux sputtered.

Dex pulled his hand back awkwardly, nodding.

"Anyhow,” Hux began, attempting to salvage the interaction, “I was just going to grab some refreshments before we begin, would you care to join me?"

"Yes, of course," Dex replied, smiling. "I can call one of our service droids to bring you something-"

Hux waved his hand. "Oh, I wouldn't want to trouble your droids. Besides, I wanted to speak to you." Hux began walking before he could respond. Dex hesitated a moment but followed him, Kylo trailing behind.

"I believe everything is on course for the negotiations to take place within the hour?" Hux asked, politely.

Dex quickly glanced over his shoulder at Ren. "Yes, well, there is a minor issue. Well, a rather big issue, if we’re honest. One of our representatives was caught in an accident while travelling and has, unfortunately... passed away during the night." 

"Oh dear," Hux's face shifted with mock concern. "What's to be done about that?"

"Well, we don’t have incidents like this often. It’s rather rare for one of our species to die of non-natural causes. However, standard protocol is to call on Darbaza's vice representative and reschedule the committee meeting-" 

"I'm sure you understand we're on a rather tight schedule, Mr. Olera."

"Yes, of course, and given the circumstances we will put to a vote whether or not we wish to proceed before we –"

"Olera," Hux said, stopping suddenly in the empty hallway. "I have a high regard for your intellect. Do you really wish to gamble the safety of your planet because one man cannot make it to a meeting? Don't be foolish."

Kylo stepped forward, subtly boxing him in between Hux and the wall.

Dex swallowed, but he expressed was steeled and neutral, looking between Kylo and Hux, thinking.

"Let me assure you. This will be your only chance to make such a deal with us." Hux's voice dropped, quieter. "The First Order has... alternative methods of getting what we want. I suggest we remain allies," he finished, smiling. 

Kylo put the barest of pressure on his mind, too subtle for him to notice.

Dex took a breath and nodded. "Yes. Yes, of course, we'll begin as normal, then." 

Hux smiled brightly. "I'm glad we could come to an agreement, Mr. Olera." He retreated a half step. Olera exhaled.

"Oh, I almost forgot, refreshments! Will you join us?" Hux asked. 

"I think I'll be taking my leave, actually. I'm not very hungry. I'll see you when we begin," Dex said, pale in the face. 

"Of course, no worries," Hux replied cheerily. "Kylo and I will be back shortly, then."

Dex offered a forced smile and began walking quickly back to the negotiations hall. Hux continued at a leisurely pace towards the dining hall.

"I thought we were just trying to lure him away from the crowd," Kylo mumbled.

"Yes, and get you something to eat besides peanuts and ration bars before we begin. I'm multitasking."

Kylo snorted, and followed him.   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this was a bit of a slow section, so thanks for sticking with it. next chapter should be fun.
> 
> thanks for reading!


	4. Stupid Bird

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> an update somewhat on time?? what!
> 
> This is a bit of a shorter chapter because I ended up splitting a longer one in half. So the next part should be posted pretty soon as well.
> 
> Enjoy!

"Why do we even do this diplomatically when we could just take the mine by force," Kylo grumbled, raising his hand to rub at his tired eyes and being uncomfortably reminded of the mask he was wearing.

The negotiations had gone smoothly, and they had secured the kyber deposits, though it had taken hours. It was a loophole, technically; In addition to the major mines they agreed upon, the First Order would have rights to all valuable mineral deposits that were not currently in use, so long as it did not damage the surrounding area. Since the vast majority of large mining sites were already industrialized, the addendum was glanced over. 

Hux had diverted their attention by arguing for one of their major chromium mines, ultimately inconsequential to the First Order, its only purpose to serve as a distraction from their real goal. The Akurians were, predictably, reluctant to give it up, but Hux pressed it for hours, unflinching. 

He had eventually conceded, and offered that Akuria could keep their Chromium mines in exchange for the unused deposits. The council had hastily agreed, exhausted after hours of debate, and the kyber mines now laid within the rights of the First Order, whether they realized it or not. 

Hux was in high spirits. Kylo was exhausted.

"Keep it down," Hux hissed. Kylo rolled his eyes under his mask.

"No one is watching us, I can tell," Kylo replied. They were making their way back to their rooms, ready to pack up and be on their way now that the agreement had been officiated.

"Well if you insist on talking in the middle of the hallway," Hux sighed. "You should realize there are advantages to diplomacy. We want the galaxy to fear us, respect us, but ultimately admire the First Order. Protecting peaceful planets such as this one makes us look good, with very little effort on our part. We're not tyrants, Kylo."

"So long as I never have to sit through one of these meetings ever again," Kylo grumbled.

"And here I was, thinking it would be educational to you," Hux replied, amused. 

A sharp beep from Hux's pocket interrupted him. He pulled out his comm and pressed the 'answer' button.

"Yes, what is it?"

"..."

" _ Are you fucking _ \- how long will it take to fix, then?" Hux came to a dead stop in the hallway.

The other line continued to speak. Hux cursed.

"Then get them as fast as you can. I want to return to the Finalizer as quickly as possible," Hux said. "Comm me again when you have an update," he added, then shoved the device back in his pocket.

"Trouble with the ship?" Kylo asked.

"One of the wing retraction systems was damaged when we landed. It's a simple repair, but we'll have to stay another night if they don't have the parts available on-planet. Which they won't. Not for an Upsilon," Hux growled.

"There's nothing urgent regarding our return to the Finalizer, is there?" Kylo asked.

"It's the concept of the thing, Kylo. It throws us off schedule, and now we have to sit here another cycle twiddling our thumbs when work could be getting done."

Hux started walking again, his gait slower than before, purposeless.

Kylo clicked his tongue.

"Well, I hadn't planned on it this trip, but since we need something to do... Whenever I have a chance to visit a civilized system, I like to pick up some things you can't get on-ship."

"You want to go  _ shopping _ ?" Hux asked.

"Yep."

"What for?"

Kylo shrugged. 

"Decent food, liquor sometimes. It's mostly just being able to walk somewhere I'm not recognized. Getting a break from being  _ Kylo Ren _ , I guess."

"Careful, Ren," Hux muttered. “We’re not civilians. Don’t envy that life.”

"It’s just for a night, it’s not like we have anything else to do. Why don't you ask your droid to arrange for another night while we go grab a bite to eat, at least?"

Hux considered it, then sighed.

"I suppose it's better than sitting around doing nothing," Hux said, pulling out his comm again. "Alright."

 

* * *

 

Kylo and Hux had argued extensively over the necessity of bringing Kayfour with them. 

“We need a translator, this is literally what we brought him for,” Hux said, crossing his arms. Kayfour stood to his side, waiting to be given orders. 

“We're in the  _ capital city _ , everyone here speaks Basic. We'll stand out with a droid following us.”

“The menus won't be in Basic.” 

“Hux, I do this all the time, just trust me,” Kylo sighed.

In the end, Kylo had won, and Hux reluctantly told Kayfour to stay behind with the ship. Kayfour had agreed, almost sounding amused at their squabble. 

"I don't like sharing you," Kylo said, kissing his temple. 

"You are an  _ embarrassment _ !" Hux sputtered, bright red. Kylo grinned.

 

* * *

 

The shopping district wasn't far from where they were staying, so they walked.

They hadn't packed for an extra day, so Kylo was simply wearing what he had under his robes: his regular high-waisted trousers and a long-sleeve shirt pulled up to his forearms. Hux was wearing his travel clothes: a simple, black t-shirt with a pair of comfortably fitted trousers. The light clothing allowed for much greater freedom of movement than the stiff uniforms he normally wore. 

The weather was pleasant, and Kylo enjoyed the feeling of the sun on his exposed skin and maskless face, a rare pleasure for him. 

The scenery was beautiful even on their short walk over, the city near picturesque, a utopia. The smell of flowers and food wafted over from the market and Kylo took a deep breath, sighing. Even when he did get to visit industrialized planets, they were rarely as nice.

They had picked out a small outdoor cafe to visit, one that offered a pleasant view of the crystal-clear river running through the city. Even Hux seemed to enjoy it, smiling at the waiter as they were seated.

The menus were, blessedly, in Basic, and the dishes a standard, familiar fare. They placed their orders and enjoyed the comfortable silence between them, the background noise of the city and its inhabitants a pleasant melody.

Hux was staring off at the river, and the bushes that lined the fences of the cafe. His chin was resting on his hand, and the other was laying on the table.

Kylo reached out and put his hands on top of Hux's. Hux tensed but didn't pull away.

"It's alright," Kylo said, softly. "No one will recognize us. They don’t care."

Hux huffed but let his posture relax a little, continuing to stare out at the scenery. It was vibrant but not overwhelming, tranquillity and motion co-existing in the same area.  

Kylo rubbed his thumb over Hux's wrist as a breeze passed them, pleasantly ruffling their hair. Hux reached up to fix it and Kylo scoffed.

"Leave it, it looks good like that."

Hux rolled his eyes but let it be.

The waiter brought out a basket of bread a moment later. Hux pulled his hand back, embarrassed, but the waiter simply smiled. 

The bread was wonderful, fresh and warm and disappearing alarmingly quickly. Hux didn't even scold Kylo for talking with his mouth full of it. 

"-been so long since you've even been off the ship, after all, we ought to do this more often-"

Hux's eyes widened, suddenly, and he put a finger to his mouth. Kylo raised an eyebrow and Hux looked pointedly to Kylo's side, where a small, round bird was pecking at a scrap of bread Kylo had dropped on the table.

"Oh," Kylo whispered, turning slowly to see it, careful to not scare it away. It was no larger than Kylo’s fist, its feathers light blue, turning white at its crest. Its beady little eyes were focused on the crumbs, pecking away at the table. 

"-looks just like Mama's bird," Hux said, so softly Kylo almost didn't hear him.

"Huh?"

Hux blinked and reddened a bit, catching himself.

"There was a kind of bird on Arkanis that looked just like that. My mother- my  _ real  _ mother, whenever it wasn't raining she liked to take me outside and we would feed them together. They were her favorite."

Kylo was silent, watching the bird eat, seemingly ignorant of their presence but surely watching them with a wary eye. 

"Your food, sirs," the waiter said, startling them. The bird flew away as the plates were set down, leaving the scrap of bread on the table. The food looked delicious, and the waiter smiled pleasantly again before leaving them to their meal, alone.

The bird had come to rest on the bushes by the fence, still within eyeshot. It ruffled its feathers and sat down. 

Hux sighed, picking up a fork.

"It's just a stupid bird, sorry. Don't know what it is about this planet that's making me so damn sentimental."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Frackenart on tumblr did some incredible [art](http://frackenart.tumblr.com/post/169756317166/art-inspired-by-the-two-bluebird-and-disconnect) for this series, go check it out!
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	5. Picnic and the Garden

After Hux and Kylo finished eating, they began to leisurely explore the market streets. It was thankfully uncrowded- there were people walking around, but less than Kylo would have assumed for a capital city. The buildings were mostly brick and mortar, but for such primitive materials, they were in excellent upkeep.

The flight crew comm'd Hux a while later, nervously informing him of the delayed departure. Hux's answer was nonchalant, simply ordering that he be kept updated on their progress, much to their surprise (and relief).

Hux was quietly curious about everything while walking, observing his surroundings and peeking into shop windows with a careful eye. He and Kylo decided to leave groceries for last, but picked up a few other things as they walked. Kylo had purchased a hideous wool blanket, and Hux picked out a small box of bitter tea leaves from a stall. They had no plan or destination, simply walking along the brick road and following whatever interested them.

"Oh!" Kylo exclaimed, grabbing Hux's attention and pointing to a building just up ahead. "A calligraphy shop, those are so hard to find."

Kylo walked towards it eagerly. It was a small, cozy building with a display of expensive-looking pens in the window, which Kylo stared at eagerly. Hux caught up behind him and clicked his tongue.

"While you're in there, I think I'll pick out something to drink for tonight," Hux said, motioning to a nearby wine store.

Kylo paused, looking away from the window. "Oh... are you sure? I can come with you," he said, his shoulders sagging a bit.

"I think I can manage myself for ten minutes, Kylo. Calligraphy doesn't interest me," Hux replied, amused. "And you have dismal taste in wine."

Kylo pouted. "Well if you insist. I'll try not to take too long."

"Excellent. I'll meet you outside, then" Hux said, heading off.

Kylo watched him leave, then walked into the shop, appreciating the atmosphere immediately. Calligraphy was a guilty pleasure for him, rare as writing by hand was nowadays. Whenever he had the time and opportunity, he preferred the weight of a pen in his hand and the smooth flow of the ink to express his thoughts on paper.

The shopkeeper greeted him and Kylo nodded in acknowledgement, wandering around the shop and examining the shelves and displays. Despite the unassuming size, the products were high-quality, at least as far as Kylo could tell. After some time walking around, he picked out a few bottles of ink, some packets of parchment and a new nib, feeling good about his choices.

He was about to bring his items to the shopkeeper when he noticed a small display in the corner- a stack of products aimed at children. He walked closer, drawn towards the display for a reason he couldn't identify. Crayons, beginner pens, coloring books and a few other bright, cheerful items were on the table.

Feeling nostalgic, impulsive, he grabbed a box of crayons and added them to his basket.

 

* * *

 

The rest of the afternoon continued in a similar vein, walking around the city and enjoying the brief break from their responsibilities. Kylo had done the majority of the talking, excited by the new stimulus after months of being stuck on the Finalizer with no mission, something he would never grow used to.

Hux spoke little but intently listened to Kylo, taking in the scenery with a rare wonder. Kylo was again reminded of how little Hux left the Finalizer. When was the last time he was on a civilian planet, much less a bustling, beautiful district like this?

Eventually, they settled down to eat, choosing a small grassy park near the riverbank. It was just far enough away from the crowds and noise, a line of trees closing off the area.

They were relatively alone for their makeshift picnic, Kylo's new blanket spread out on the ground with some snacks they had purchased on top: fresh bread, cheese and an assortment of local fruits. They were sharing a bottle of aromatic wine, more bitter than Kylo usually preferred but miles better than anything available on the Finalizer.

There were a few couples and families just out of earshot, playing and eating and waiting for the sunset, just like them. A young Akurian girl in overalls was near them, running in the grass giggling and holding a stuffed toy to her chest tightly. Kylo smiled at her.

"I can't believe you bought this awful blanket," Hux said, snickering, turning Kylo's attention away from the girl. "It's so tacky, it's not going to match anything in our quarters."

That was the first time Hux had referred to his chambers as "ours", Kylo noticed. He tried not to smile.

"The hell do you mean it won't match, everything on that ship is black or grey. That's why I bought it," Kylo said, running his fingers along the slightly rough texture of the wool. "to... brighten things up," he said, shrugging.

Hux raised an eyebrow.

"Alright, and it was on sale," Kylo admitted. Hux smirked.

"And what did you get?" Kylo asked.

"Ah, well I'm pleased with the tea leaves, which you saw. I picked up some socks as well while you were ogling those blankets. Some of the softest wool I’ve ever felt.”

"Great. Does that mean you'll stop touching me with your cold feet in the middle of the night?"

Hux scowled and playfully batted away Kylo's hand. It was dangerously domestic.

When the food was mostly gone, Kylo put his hand on top of Hux's, gently. Hux didn't protest this time.

"It's nice, isn't it?" Kylo asked softly, running his thumb over Hux's wrist. "Just. Existing like this."

Hux was silent for a long time. Kylo didn't expect an answer, but Hux spoke suddenly, softly, not meeting his eyes.

"More than I should admit," he muttered.

The sun started to set a while later, a brilliant red giant painting the sky in brilliant red and purple hues. Kylo admired the way it looked complementing Hux's face and hair. The red glow brought out the tones in his skin that were often drowned out by the harsh artificial lighting they were used to.

A noise nearby caught Kylo's attention, a rustle in a bush behind Hux. He perked up.

"Ah, Hux, look! It's one of the birds you were telling me about." Kylo pointed over his shoulder eagerly. 

Hux didn't answer.

He wasn't looking at the bush, nor at the sunset, nor at Kylo- but staring directly behind him, brows furrowed and mouth parted.

"What are you looking at?" Kylo started to turn around, but Hux drew his attention back, seeming to come back to himself.

"Ah- It's nothing, no, don't worry," Hux muttered, shaking his head. "It's fine. I'm fine. ...How are you?"

"..."

"..."

"...Are you sure?"

Hux crossed his arms, curling in on himself a bit. His eyes kept flicking behind Kylo. Kylo wanted to look but was unwilling to take his eyes off of Hux, concerned.

"I, um-"

Hux whimpered, suddenly, seemingly surprised by his own reaction, covering his mouth with his hand as if he were sick.

"I don't feel well, excuse me-"

Hux bolted up, sprinting towards the tree line.

"Hux!" Kylo yelled, surprised, stumbling up.

He ran after Hux, jogging, not wanting to draw too much attention to either of them. It was night, now, the sun had set and darkness surrounded him. Hux had disappeared into the trees and Kylo's heartbeat spiked with anxiety.

_Alright. Calm down. You recently located a stranger miles away with nothing but the force, you can find him._

Kylo reached out with the force, tracking Hux's signature past the line of trees. Across the treeline was a dirt road, and beyond that, a small, secluded garden enclosure adjacent to a chapel. No one else seemed to be nearby.

Kylo ran towards it, hesitating before entering, running his fingers along the grain of the wooden fence. He shook off his uneasiness, walking softly into the garden.

It took him a moment to find him. Hux was sitting in the corner, knees to his chest, partially hidden under the greenery.

Kylo walked over and sat next to him, silent. Hux didn't react, seemingly not noticing him. 

There was only the soft sound of their breathing and the chirping of insects.

Hux started mumbling, words unintelligible, rocking forward a bit.

"Hm?" Kylo asked, gently.

Hux shook his head, not looking at him, eyes glassy and staring into the distance.

Kylo shifted a bit so he was more in front of him, in Hux's line of vision.

"Hux," Kylo said. "You in there?"

Hux still wouldn't meet his eyes, looking dazed out and distant.

"Talk to me, Hux," Kylo said, increasingly concerned. He patted Hux’s leg awkwardly. "Do you know where we are? Give me an answer."

"Ar- Akuria?"

Kylo nodded, posture relaxing slightly.

"Yes, Akuria. Alright. Can you tell me what just happened?"

Hux shook his head. "Don't- can't- I can't-"

"Alright, that's fine,” Kylo interjected. “You don't have to talk about it. How about, uh. How are you feeling? Can you tell me that?"

Hux curled tighter into himself, knuckles white around his legs.

"Scared."

Kylo reached out, placing a hand on his shoulder carefully. Words clearly weren’t helping at the moment.

"Can I hold you?"

Hux nodded. Kylo moved behind him, wrapping his arms around Hux’s midsection.

Hux relaxed the slightest bit, turning more into Kylo's embrace, settling his arms on top of Kylo's and pushing his face into his shoulder. Shudders continued to wrack his thin frame. 

They sat there for what felt like hours, eventually to the point where Kylo thought Hux must have fallen asleep, going almost limp in his arms.

He was surprised, then, at the single sob muffled against his shoulder, Hux tensing against him.

" _I_ _don't know who I am anymore_ ," Hux said, his voice straining.

Kylo's arms tightened a bit and he rested his face against Hux's cheek, considering how to respond.

"That's alright," he said finally, softly. It was a feeling he had experienced too often himself.

"I'll love you no matter what."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this only took so long because i wanted to finish the art that goes with it. hope it was worth it
> 
> thanks for reading!


	6. Irrational

The sharp tone of Hux's commlink woke Kylo the next morning.

He groaned and turned in the sheets, the only objective in his sleep-raddled mind was to get _away_ from the dreadful noise.

It was picked up and silenced, and Kylo sighed in relief. Hux's voice filled the room, and at the sound of it, Kylo remembered what had happened last night.

He was suddenly very awake.

They hadn't spoken much last night, after Hux regained enough of his composure to walk back to their guest quarters. They had retrieved their picnic and other items, (thankfully undisturbed), and walked back in silence, both holding the unspoken, mutual agreement that they would talk about this tomorrow.

Few words had been exchanged between them as they slipped into their nightclothes and prepared for bed, Hux silently nuzzling up to Kylo's side as they slept, hand shyly curling over Kylo's fingers.

And here they were now.

Lost in thought, he didn't realize he had been staring at Hux while he was on the commlink.

"Oh good, you're up," Hux said, not unkindly, but not warmly, either. "That was the flight crew. We'll be ready to depart in a standard hour, so get ready."

"Oh," Kylo mumbled, rubbing his face blearily. "Good."

"I'll be with the shuttle to assess their progress. Meet me there after you're dressed and we can be on our way."

Not giving Kylo a chance to respond, Hux walked out, perfectly composed. Kylo flopped back down on the bed, annoyed. It was just like Hux to go straight to business and pretend like nothing had happened.

He was clearly avoiding him; the last thing the flight crew needed was for Hux to micromanage their repairs. But there was no way Hux would be able to avoid him like this on the trip back.

Kylo rolled out of bed and stretched, cursing loudly as a bright spot of pain made itself known to him. Right, his hand fracture. His penance for not wearing his brace yesterday.

Kylo grimaced as he retrieved the splint from the bedside table where he had discarded it, strapping it onto his wrist.

One hour. One hour and they would be on their way back to the Finalizer, alone with each other for the journey. One hour and he would have answers.

 

★★★

 

The repair crew had been ahead of schedule, as it turned out, and they were ready to leave as Kylo arrived at the shuttle. Hux had already boarded (of course he had)- and the stormtroopers followed Kylo up the ramp as he ascended. Kylo paid no attention to them, going straight to the command quarters where he knew Hux would be waiting.

He put a hand on the access panel and it slid open. Hux was sitting on the edge of the bed, back to the door, and he flinched a little at the sound.

The door shut behind him automatically. Hux didn’t move and Kylo stood there awkwardly, suddenly unsure of what to say. Hux beat him to it.

"I suppose you want to know what happened last night," Hux said, still staring at the wall. The words sounded scripted, well-rehearsed.

Kylo walked to the other side of the bed, silently, sitting next to Hux.

"Yeah," Kylo said, awkwardly, resting his hands on his lap. "That would be nice."

A long, uncomfortable silence spanned between the two of them. Hux suddenly growled and curled in on himself, grabbing fistfuls of his hair angrily.

"I hate this. I hate this," he hissed to the floor, knuckles turning white.

"Hate what?" Kylo asked. Hux didn't answer, didn't speak, not for several moments.

He finally sighed and spoke, putting his clenched hands in his lap but still glaring at the floor.

"Do you remember the girl last night, when we were sitting by the riverbank? The Akurian child with the little doll?"

Kylo frowned. "Yes."

"I don't even remember the last time I saw a child face-to-face that wasn't in our stormtrooper program. She was so innocent, so… removed from you and I. And just sitting there- playing with her doll in the grass, parents god knows where, not paying her any attention..."

Kylo placed a hand on his thigh, rubbing it and urging him to continue.

"And then this… other child comes over, a boy, much larger than her. I think he asked if he could hold the doll, I couldn't hear- or understand them, anyway, even if I could- and he- he just-"

Hux made a pained noise, hands going back to fist in his hair, shaking.

Kylo's heart was pounding.

"What happened?"

"He took the doll from her and he just- he _threw it_!" Hux's voice cracked on the last word and he sobbed into his lap.

"...Huh?"

"He threw it! He just- took the doll and threw it like it was nothing, right into the river," Hux sobbed, not looking up.

Kylo was bewildered.

He had seen the man sitting next to him order executions and destruction of their enemies with an indifference bordering on sadistic glee. The medical phobia was odd but understandable, given what Hux had told him about his past, but this?

There was clearly much more Hux hadn't told him.

_What was happening?_

"Don't do that," Hux said, interrupting his thoughts.

"Do what?"

"Anything!"

"..."

"I know it's stupid, it's ridiculous, there's no reason it ought to affect me but I just-" Hux took a breath, trying to steady himself. When he spoke next, it was quiet, almost a whisper.

"The look on her face. She looked so devastated, like that doll was the world to her. It just... reminded me, like the medbay, it just keeps reminding me..."

Kylo rubbed his back.

"Hold on a minute," Kylo said softly, standing up. "I'll be right back."

Hux nodded and Kylo walked to the refresher attached to the small cabin, grabbing a towel and an empty cup from the cabinet. He filled up the cup from the tap and took it back to where Hux was sitting, head now up, looking at Kylo with red, weary eyes.

He gave him the towel first, and Hux gladly took it, dabbing his face and motioning for the water. Kylo handed it to him and Hux took several long sips.

He seemed much more composed when he handed it back to Kylo, but it still took a few moments before he was ready to speak.

"I know the reason it affected me so much, it’s... you have to understand, I never really knew my mother. Brendol kept her away as much as possible, I imagine, so I only have faint memories. And I was only about 5 years old when she was left behind during the siege of Arkanis.

“She gave me something, though, I don't even remember it being gifted to me, just that as I got older I realized I needed to hide it from Brendol. I remember stuffing it in my clothes before we were rescued, crying because I wanted to go back and find my mother."

Tears were pricking in the corners of Hux's eyes again. He took a deep breath, his next words coming out high-pitched and painful.

"It was this stupid- orange little cat, a toy- and I kept it hidden for so long, years after that, until Brendol tore apart my room in a rage and found it. He tore off the head and made me watch him throw it in the trash compactor."

Hux sniffled and wiped his eyes with the towel.

"-and then he beat me, obviously," he added, with a vague hand motion. "But that ought to go without saying.

“So there you go. I trust you're smart enough to connect the dots yourself. I've watched my academy classmates be killed in front of me without blinking and here I am crying over a stuffed cat."

"But it's not really about the cat, is it?" Kylo asked, softly.

"No,” Hux shook his head. “I guess it's not."

They sat there in silence. Kylo gently took Hux's hand from where it was curled up, white-knuckled on his lap and began rubbing it, gently unprying his fingers from the stressed position.

"You know I'm not good with words-" Kylo began.

"Don't."

"-but I'm glad you told me this. I'm happy you can trust me."

Hux blushed and looked away.

"It's not like you can blackmail me. No one would believe you."

Kylo laughed, and the sound even brought a nervous smile to Hux's face, still red and wet with tears.

_He wanted to protect him._

"Well. Soon we'll be back on board and we can leave all of this behind us, anyhow. At least I got some good tea out of it," Hux said, jokingly.

Kylo bit his lip, choosing his next words carefully.

"I wanted to ask, I- it just reminded me, uh... a few days ago, when I spoke with Dr. Lesath, she..." Kylo sighed, giving up.

"Have you considered therapy?"

Hux stiffened.

"What, like behavior conditioning?"

"No! No, not reconditioning. Like the medbay's psychology division-"

"The loony bin?"

"You mean the _psychiatric ward_ but no, not that, either. Have you seriously never heard of a therapist?"

"Like a physical therapist?"

Kylo wanted to smash his own face into the wall.

"My only experience with the psychology division is sending officers there when they have mental breakdowns on duty. I don't know what you're trying to tell me," Hux said.

Kylo didn't want to tell him that he worried it very well could get to that point.

"It's not just that. They could- there are... ways they could help you overcome your fear of doctors. And the other incidents."

Hux scoffed, standing up and walking over to the viewport, arms crossed.

"Yes, I think I'll pass. I don't need anyone rooting around in my head, least of all some degenerate doctor or _psychologist_ ," Hux sneered.

"Your fear isn't rational."

"Yes it is."

"What'll happen when you get seriously ill or injured and won't let the medbay treat you?"

"I've survived this long, haven't I? I think I'll make it."

Kylo bit his tongue, resisting the urge to continue arguing. They would get nowhere, he knew that from experience, now.

"Besides, this will be the last time... anything like this happens. I don't need a psychologist's help for that. I wasn't adequately prepared for the unexpected, and it's thrown me off this week. It won't happen again. I'll crush whatever weakness remains."

His words sounded so similar to the ones Kylo would tell himself, and yet it felt wrong to hear them out loud. Like Hux was planning on destroying himself, like amputating a sick limb instead of treating it.

Hux wanted to destroy his weakness. Kylo wanted to cradle it close and protect it.

_Was that selfish?_

Kylo pushed himself off the bed, walking up behind Hux and embracing him from behind, both of them staring out of the viewport and into the rushing blur of hyperspace.

"Am I a weakness?" Kylo asked, softly.

Hux shook his head.

"We work well together. The First Order benefits from our partnership. Were we to neglect our duties for each other or become emotionally compromised, then it would become an issue. We're both perfectly capable of separating the two. We're alright."

Kylo kissed his cheek from behind and held him a little closer. Hux let himself relax into Kylo's embrace.

They both knew it was a lie.


	7. House Call

Back on the ship, things had mostly returned to normal.

Kylo and Hux had a brief meeting with Snoke when they returned, who praised them for successfully securing the kyber deposits and navigating the negotiations. He gave them new orders, Hux was to continue to oversee Starkiller’s construction, and Kylo was to seek out additional research into the properties of raw kyberite. Kylo swelled with pride at the praise, so rare from his master.

Hux, however, was simply relieved to be back on board- back to the order and routine he was used to. Planetside missions always threw unexpected variables into his schedule, even without the added complexity of this most recent one.

He was eating his lunch in the officer's lounge considering this, when he saw a familiar flash of chrome armor walking towards him. He perked up, but he didn't know if this was an official or personal matter, yet. Phasma never ate her meals in the officer's lounge, so she was clearly there to see Hux.

"Captain. Good to see you.”

Phasma took a seat across from him, indicating that she was here to see him as a friend, rather than a subordinate.

(Truthfully, Hux viewed her as basically equal in terms of rank, which was perhaps dangerous. But Phasma had no hunger for power, Hux had known her ever since she joined the First Order, and their relationship extended far beyond general and captain.)

"Good to see you as well," Phasma replied.

"So, what brings you here? I know you're not here for the food," he asked, taking a sip of his tea.

"I was wondering your plans for tonight, actually. We haven't caught up in quite a while. And I’m sure I could provide you with something better than this…” Phasma waved a gloved hand dismissively. “ _cafeteria fare_."

“Oh yes, of course,” Hux replied, nodding. “Let me double check.”

Phasma prepared all her own food, an impressive feat considering the lack of fresh ingredients or expansive kitchens on-board. Apparently, she had never gotten used to the processed sustenance that passed as dining on a star destroyer. Hux, privately, wondered if there was an element of paranoia at work as well.

Hux pulled out his datapad to glance at his schedule. "I ought to be free at 20:00, which I believe is after your shift as well?"

"Yes. My quarters, as usual."

"Sounds good. I'll see you then?"

Phasma nodded and stood up.

"At the moment, I have drills to oversee. I'll see you at 20:00."

Hux watched her leave, amused. She kept her demeanor tight while she was in armor, but it was a different story when they ate or drank together. Spending time with her was one of the rare indulgences he allowed himself.

 

* * *

 

 

19:30, in his quarters, Hux was beginning to regret his decision.

He was laying on the couch, hands over his face to block out the swirling ceiling above him. Even the gentle draft from the climate control system seemed too harsh and overwhelming against his rattled system.

"You feeling alright?" Kylo asked, discovering him like this when he returned. He took off his helmet and set it aside.

"Not really," Hux sighed, letting his hand drop from his eyes. "I planned to meet up for dinner with Phasma but I'm not feeling well."

"Eat something bad?"

“If I did, it would’ve affected all the officers that ate in the lounge today. And I’m not getting a flood of messages requesting time off, so I assume not," Hux replied, gesturing to his datapad.

"Do you think you've come down with something, then?" Kylo asked, concerned, walking over to the couch and resting his hand on the backrest.

"No, no," Hux answered a little too quickly. "It must be travel lag. Going off-ship always messes up my system."

Hux sighed, adjusting his hair out of his face and pushing himself off the couch. "I ought to go. She'll be expecting me."

"Are you sure?" Kylo asked, frowning. "You look pretty pale-"

"I'm fine," Hux snapped, retrieving his coat. He looked around awkwardly, realizing how early he would be leaving. He just didn’t want to be around for Kylo’s questioning and worrying over his well-being.

"I'll see you later," he said, and left without further comment.

Kylo sighed, watching him leave. He hoped Hux was right, that it was just ship lag, but he doubted it. Watching Hux self-sabotage and refuse help was frustrating beyond belief.

It was Hux’s problem. He shouldn’t care. He did care. Did he want to care? He was angry, he was sad, he was tired.

Tired.

Tired of thinking.

He walked to the kitchenette and paused for a few moments, eyeing the top shelf by the refrigerator. He pushed his indecision aside and reached for a bottle of whiskey. It was nearly out, just a few glasses worth of the amber liquid swirling in the bottom.

It ought to be enough for tonight. He hadn't gotten properly drunk in a while, anyway.

 

* * *

 

21:13

Kylo had his datapad propped up on his stomach, laying down on his back and giggling at a holonet video of tooka-cats. A bag of chips and a glass of whiskey sat on the nightstand.

As soon as Kylo had been assigned to the Finalizer, he had secured this datapad for himself, intimidating a communications tech into hacking it to bypass the normal First Order filters. This allowed him access to the full expanse of the holonet, a luxury he refused to give up.

He reached over into the bag of chips, groaning when he realized it was empty. That was his last bag.

He licked the crumbs from his fingertips and went back to his datapad, opening a new tab for the First Order requisitions form. This, too, he had a much wider reign on.

Officers on-board star destroyers could use their personal funds to order items from a list of approved third-parties. Considering the high cost of off-world shipping, most officers were stringent with their purchases. Kylo, however, had a credit account directly linked to Leader Snoke's fortunes. This was not technically what he was supposed to be spending it on, but...

Kylo added 10 bags of chips, some questionably expensive moisturizer and a bag of pretty marbles to his cart.

He had an idea, suddenly. Hux had been having such a hard time recently. Wouldn't it be nice to get him a gift? Yes. Kylo would order him a gift.

What did Hux like? Tea? Work? Socks? Hair gel? He wanted to get him something Hux wouldn't buy for himself.

Scrolling down the listings for socks, he saw a pair with little cat faces on it and started giggling so hard he choked on the crumbs of his chips.

That reminded him, though, of what Hux had told him on the shuttle ride back from Akuria. He wondered...

A quick search on the shopping page had him excited. Yes, they had it. It was extremely unlikely it was the same kind Hux once had, but...

Kylo added the little orange plush cat to his cart.

 

* * *

 

23:00

"Oh, you've got to be kidding me."

Hux's disapproving tone woke Kylo from where he had fallen asleep, datapad in his lap and bottles and empty snack packages surrounding him. His face went hot. He had meant to clean up before Hux got back.

"Were you eating in bed? Ugh, get up, I have to change the sheets."

Kylo rolled his eyes, sitting up and setting his datapad on the nightstand. "Just brush the crumbs off, it'll be fine."

"Absolutely not. Get up."

Kylo grumbled but did as he was told, grabbing his trash off the nightstand as well. Hux started pulling at the sheets.

"How was dinner with Phasma?" Kylo asked, throwing the used chip bag and empty whiskey bottle in the trash.

"Decent. Here, grab that corner for me?"

Kylo lifted his hand and undid all of the sheets with the force, lifting them over to Hux’s arms.

"Show off," Hux muttered.

Kylo smiled, satisfied, and turned around to get the new sheets out of the closet. Hux went to throw the bundle of sheets in the laundry chute.

Kylo turned around just in time to see Hux sway and start to fall.

Kylo reached out with the force immediately, catching him before he hit the ground, lowering him down gently.

"Shit, are you alright?" Kylo asked, running over to where Hux was sitting, head in his hands.

"I'm fine," he snapped, refusing Kylo's outstretched hand and getting up on his own.

"I just got lightheaded for a minute. I'm fine."

Kylo sighed, but didn't press it.

"I'll take care of the sheets. Go sit down, alright?"

Hux rolled his eyes, face red and downturned. "Fine. Promise to put them on properly though."

"...I promise you can fix it if I do it wrong."

"Good enough."

Hux accepted this and went to get himself a glass of water while Kylo made the bed. It was sloppy, but Hux accepted it without complaint, crawling in after Kylo.

Kylo leaned over and kissed him. His stomach was turning with worry about Hux, his fears about illness potentially already coming true. But it was late, he was exhausted and still slightly drunk, and it was not a conversation he ought to have tonight.

Perhaps it was the alcohol, but he found himself wanting to say "I love you," something the had only said a handful of times to each other, in emotional moments. 

It seemed they both knew they were in too deep, but putting it into words would make it too real.

For now, Kylo simply laid down next to him, one arm swung gently over Hux's body, and fell asleep, breathing in the soft fragrance of Hux's hair.

 

* * *

 

When Kylo woke the next morning, Hux was gone. This wasn't odd in and of itself, but Kylo usually woke when Hux was getting ready, and then would fall back asleep. It likely meant Hux had deliberately tried not to wake him.

Kylo rolled out of bed, annoyed. It also could have meant he had simply slept through it, but he had a feeling that Hux was still ill and trying to hide it from him.

He checked the chrono on his nightstand. It was still rather early in the ship's cycle Hux was probably on the bridge right now. He would go and check on him.

He showered quickly and donned his robe and mask, walking quickly to the bridge. Hux was indeed there, standing with his arms clasped behind his back and staring out the viewport.

Kylo reached out through the force and immediately sensed several things. First and foremost, anxiety.

Hux was indeed ill, and it had only gotten worse since last night. His throat was on fire, and he didn't trust himself to be able to respond if someone spoke to him. He was lightheaded, feeling like he was about to pass out. He wanted to leave the bridge, but was trying to fight through his symptoms, not wanting to cause suspicion by taking the day off.

Typical.

Kylo adjusted his cowl, then stormed onto the bridge.

"GENERAL!"

Hux turned around, confused and annoyed. He looked even paler than usual, dark circles painted under his eyes. He opened his mouth to speak but Kylo interrupted him.

"I have matters to discuss with you. Immediately. Come."

Hux scowled, but followed him without a word. Kylo was silent as they walked together.

Hux started coughing as soon as they entered the hallway, unable to holding it back anymore.

"Well-” Hux started, then coughed violently into his arm. “-what is it? You have my comm number," he sounded miserable, voice raspy and thin.

"Huh? Oh, no, it's nothing. I just needed an excuse to get you off the bridge. Are you able to walk?"

Hux blinked, surprised.

"Yes- yes, I can walk. Where are you taking me?"

Kylo could hear the unspoken words.

_Please don't take me to the medbay._

"We're going back to your quarters, you need to rest." He would decide what to do from there. Too tired to fight it, Hux’s shoulders sank in relief.

 

* * *

 

 

Hux seemed to have admitted defeat, letting Kylo take care of him while he was indisposed. He stayed in bed, doing whatever work he could by datapad while Kylo occasionally checked in on him and brought him water and tea.

Eventually, Hux was snoring softly, head back and slack-jawed, hands still over his datapad as if he had fallen asleep while typing. Kylo gently moved his hands, picking the datapad off his lap and setting it on his nightstand.

He stared at Hux, debating with himself. Hux had his own flawed ways of dealing with his perceived weakness, but it could kill him. With off-world diseases, which is what Kylo was beginning to suspect- what seemed like a minor cold could become a major infection very quickly.

There was no question, truly, Kylo knew what he had to do. Enabling Hux's avoidance would only make things worse.

Kylo walked back into the living area, picking up his own datapad, opening a number he had saved several days ago.

 

 

> TO: LESATH, A.
> 
> FROM: REN, K.
> 
> do you take house calls?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha yea.......................... sorry this took forever. idk why but i got kind of scared of returning to this fic and i don't know how i feel about this chapter but it still means a lot to me and i want to finish it
> 
> lemme know what you think, please


	8. Cotton Swabs and the Dark

**REN, K:**

do you take house calls?

**LESATH, A:**

I can make it work. Are you asking for yourself or for someone else?

**REN, K:**

someone else

**LESATH, A:**

When?

**REN, K:**

I don’t know, he’s asleep right now. didn’t tell him I’m doing this, he looks like death though. needs to see someone today probably

**LESATH, A:**

When he wakes up, tell him I’ll be there. Let him pick the time though

**LESATH, A:**

What are his symptoms?

**REN, K:**

lighthearted, collapsed last night, nearly did today. coughing a lot, raspy voice, says his throat hurts

**LESATH, A:**

This started after the mission, correct??

**REN, K:**

yes

**LESATH, A:**

Okay. Make sure he gets lost of rest and water. Let me know the time and I’ll be over. I have nothing that can’t be rescheduled today.

* * *

About an hour later, Kylo was looking over intelligence reports on his datapad when Hux walked into the living area, coughing weakly. Kylo went to stand up immediately, but Hux rolled his eyes and gestured for him to sit back down.

“I can make it to the couch without assistance,” Hux grumbled, flopping gracelessly into an armchair. “I trust the ship hasn’t burnt down yet in my absence?”

“Not yet, no,” Kylo replied, almost smiling.

Hux chuckled, which turned into a cough. Kylo studied him, concerned. There was a sort of vulnerability about him at the moment that Kylo found guiltily endearing, but he knew Hux would be mortified if he voiced that thought. More seriously, Hux looked somehow even worse, even after getting actual rest.

There was a stretch of silence between them and Kylo worried his lip. The words suddenly came tumbling out before he could think of any better way to say them.

“I just spoke to Dr. Lesath,” Kylo said. “She’s willing to come down here so you don’t have to go to the medbay, but you need to pick a time.”

Hux paused, processing Kylo’s words.

“Alright.”

Kylo blinked. He hadn’t expected Hux to agree that easily.

Hux went red, as if sensing Kylo’s thoughts.

“I realize I’ll need medicine if I’m to be back on the bridge soon. I’m not… entirely unreasonable.”

Kylo flushed as well. “No, no, of course. I get it-”

“And I assume it’s not an injection this time-” Hux continued.

“No no no, I mean- well I actually don’t know, but I assume not.”

Hux just stared at him.

They both started to talk at once, and then stopped, awkwardly silent. Kylo motioned for Hux to continue.

“Could you have her come in an hour? I’ll need to take a shower and make myself presentable, but I’d like to get it over with sooner rather than later.”

“Yeah, I’ll uh, I’ll message her now,” Kylo replied, opening up the messaging app on his datapad.

Hux stood up again, rubbing his eyes and looking exhausted.

“Just let me know if you need anything, alright?” Kylo said.

“I think I can manage a shower on my own. But thank you,” Hux said, taking a minute to recover his balance.

Kylo raised his eyebrows. Hux scowled.

“I am _not_ about to explain to that medic that I wasn’t ready when she arrived because you wanted to have shower sex.”

“I didn’t even _say_ anything!” Kylo replied, scandalized.

“Don’t play innocent! I know that look-”

“I _am_ innocent, you’re the one whose mind went there.”

“I know to always assume the worst with you,” Hux shot back.

Kylo laid back in his seat and let out an exaggerated groan. Hux rolled his eyes, trying hard not to smile.

“I’m going now, don’t forget to send that message,” Hux said, then coughed. “And straighten up the living area a bit, I want to make a good impression,” he said, then made his way back to the bedroom.

“Will do, General,” Kylo called after him, saluting. Hux responded with a rude hand gesture, not looking back. Kylo chuckled.

* * *

The affectionate banter had helped distract Hux from some of his anxiety, but it didn’t take long for it to come back. It was like white noise creeping in, growing steadily louder, blocking out any other thoughts as he went through the motions of showering and dressing.

He dried off, then dressed simply in a t-shirt and pajama pants. He combed his hair in front of the mirror, observing himself.

He really did look dreadful. His face was pale, almost sunken, with heavy eyebags that looked like bruises. With the uniform gone he could see how underweight he was becoming, his skinny arms and shoulders looked easily breakable, peeking out from the sides of his thin t-shirt.

Weak.

He tossed the comb on the counter and turned away, disgusted.

It didn’t take him long to freshen up, so there was still a while before Lesath would be arriving. He laid down on top of his made bed, trying to get a few moments of rest, not sure what else to do. He was too anxious to sleep, his head pounding as he watched the numbers on the chrono steadily increase. As it got closer, he kept telling himself to move from the bed to the couch, that allowing the medic into his bedroom would be too much of a violation. His body wouldn’t listen, however his arms leaden at his sides, mind seemingly barely connected to his body.

He was vaguely aware of Kylo entering the bedroom, pulling up a chair and stroking his hair, still slightly damp from the shower. He closed his eyes, simply focusing on the sensation.

Kylo was speaking to him softly but Hux wasn’t processing it, the sounds coming to him but not organizing themselves into coherent thought. He sat with him the next few minutes, his voice and touch comforting even if he wasn’t able to fully understand it.

Eventually, Kylo patted him on the shoulder, and Hux forced himself to pay attention.

“She just sent me a message, she’s on her way. You should sit up.”

Hux rubbed his eyes and sat up, blinking and swaying from the dizziness that suddenly assaulted him. He recovered in a few seconds, and scooted to the edge of the bed, letting his legs fall over the side.

Kylo stood up and kissed him on the forehead. Hux’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

“Would you kill me if I said you look adorable right now, with your messed up hair?” Kylo muttered.

“ _Yes._ ”

Kylo grinned and smoothed it back, then grabbed a water bottle off the nightstand and offered it to him. Hux shook his head, turning it away.

“I don’t want to find out if my anxiety will make it come right back up,” Hux explained. Kylo nodded.

“One more thing,” Hux said, after a moment.

“I want to. I want you to be there, but let me…” Hux chewed on his lip, trying to find the right words. “I want to- I want to try and get through this myself.”

“Alright,” Kylo said, rubbing his thigh gently. “So no holding your hand?”

Hux nodded. “Unless it- gets too much to handle. I don’t want to have a breakdown again. But I want to try.”

The buzz of the door made them both pause, frozen for a moment.

“You stay there. I’ll bring her in,” Kylo said, standing up.

Hux heard the door being opened, Kylo and Lesath quickly greeting each other, and what sounded like a droid rolling in. He felt cold, suddenly.

They made their way to the bedroom and Hux’s suspicions were confirmed, a sleek medical droid followed the two into the room. Hux swallowed.

“What’s the droid for,” he asked, his tone flat, picking the skin around his fingernails anxiously.

“This is M3, he’s just here for diagnostics,” Lesath replied. “I can leave him in the living area if you’d like.”

“Please do,” Hux said, stiff but relieved.

M3 chirped and rolled back into the living room, Kylo and Lesath made their way to Hux. Lesath sat down across from him, in the chair Kylo had been previously occupying. Her expression was reserved, but kind.

There were a number of competing emotions in Hux’s mind about her- fear, the frail beginnings of trust and respect from her professionalism, and mortification that she had seen him bawling and clinging onto Kylo like a toddler. Yet Hux could gleam no ounce of condescension or judgement from her.

“Well,” Lesath said, adjusting the position of the chair, “I’m glad to see you again, I just wish it were under better circumstances.”

Hux tried for a polite smile, which turned into a grimace. Lesath smiled sympathetically.

“It shouldn't be too bad this time, though. Zero shots,” she commented, retrieving a stethoscope from her bag. “May I?”

Hux nodded and Lesath pressed the cold metal of the stethoscope against the thin fabric of the t-shirt Hux was wearing, instructing him to take deep breaths.

At the feeling of cold metal on his chest and the soft instructions from the woman across from him, Hux felt himself starting to sink back into… _that_ headspace, alarmed. It had never been a conscious thing before, and feeling it as it happened was disconcerting.

“Could you tell me how you’ve been feeling?” Lesath asked, switching out the stethoscope for a small blood pressure monitor that she put gently on his finger. Hux opened his mouth and felt the words stuck in his throat.

It was frustrating - he knew, logically, he had nothing to be afraid of, but the physical symptoms combined with his phobia and the two sets of eyes staring at him intently, even the responsibility of answering a question made the temptation of regression potent - like falling asleep after a long day.

Some things were easier to deal with when you’re five.

Kylo shifted and opened his mouth to answer for him, but Lesath held up a single finger to silence him.

“Does anything hurt? Can you tell me about that?” She tried, instead.

Hux pointed to his throat. At the same time, the device on his opposite hand beeped and Lesath took it off, glancing at the numbers on the readout.

“Mhm. Let me take your temperature next, alright?” Lesath said, pulling out a digital thermometer from her bag. She slipped on a disposable cover and handed it to Hux for him to put under his tongue.

This wasn’t bad so far, Hux reasoned, but it was never bad at first. Anxiety still thrummed through him, ever-present.

The device beeped and Hux removed it, offering it back to Lesath.

“You are running a bit of a fever, thankfully not too serious though,” Lesath commented, checking the tiny screen. “May I take a look at your throat now?”

Hux nodded reluctantly. He hated being examined in that way, but whatever would expedite the process was worth cooperating with. It only took a few moments for Lesath to shine the light down his throat, carefully examining it, and Hux forced down his nausea as she sat back down.

“Quite a bit of inflammation. Have you been coughing?”

“A little.”

“Any other symptoms? Fatigue?”

“No.”

Kylo stared at him. Hux flushed.

“Well, I- dizziness. I feel, sometimes- I’m gonna fall or pass out, if I’m standing up.”

“Well…” Lesath started, glancing at Kylo as well. “Overall, this sounds a lot like Akurian fever. It’s common in off-world visitors, since they’re so isolated.”

“I thought- the vaccine…” Hux argued weakly.

“That was for Nebellia, a common spaceport bug. We can’t protect you from every regional virus, unfortunately. But it’s a good thing you got it, otherwise we might’ve had something even nastier on our hands.”

Hux nodded, sullen.

“Why didn’t I catch it, then?” Kylo asked, beside her.

“Ren, you’re off-ship quite a bit, so your immune system is… it’s built up more of a resistance. We see this with officers stationed on star destroyers quite a lot, if your body spends a lot of time acclimating to one environment, it’s easily thrown off when you travel.”

Lesath bent down again to rummage in her bag.

“Because we can’t carry a cure for every one of the millions of pathogens out there… our M3 droids allow us to synthesize medicine on-site when given a sample.”

Lesath found what she was looking for, pulling out a long white swab in a tube.

“What do you mean?” Hux asked, suddenly still, eyes on Lesath’s hands.

“I’ll need to swab your throat. It’s not super fun, but it’ll be quick.”

Hux’s eyes were frozen open, beginning to water. Lesath noticed and lowered the swab.

“Is that alright?”

“You lied,” Hux said, softly.

“I lied?”

“You said- you said there wouldn’t be anything bad-” Hux was starting to lose his composure, trembling slightly in his thin t-shirt.

“Oh, I’m... I’m sorry, I should’ve told you,” she replied, sounding genuine. “But it’ll be real quick and then we can get you the medicine you need-”

“Perhaps should take a break,” Kylo said behind her, the tone in his voice making it clear it wasn’t a suggestion.

“ _No._ ” Hux interjected, suddenly. Everyone was silent.

Hux took a shaky breath.

“Forget it. I’m not- I’m not a baby, I can do this, I- I just- get it over with, please. I can do it.”

“Are you sure?” Lesath asked, hesitant. “We could take a quick breather and get you some water.”

Hux shook his head.

“No. Just- please. I’m fine.” Hux wiped the moisture from his eyes. “I’m fine. Please, continue.”

Lesath nodded and stood up, looking reluctant. Kylo was pure nervous energy next to her, looking like it was physically paining him to stay still.

“Open your mouth, alright? Say _ahh_.”

Hux scrunched his eyes closed and opened his mouth, his hands tightly fisted into his pajama bottoms.

The moment she got near, however, Hux panicked and opened his eyes, pushing away the swab with a cry and falling backwards onto the bed, hands over his face. Lesath stepped back.

“...I’m sorry! I’m sorry, I-” Hux stuttered, sitting back up. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m sorry. Try it- try again. I’ll be g- I’ll do. better.”

Lesath and Kylo shared a look but nonetheless they tried again, to the same result. Hux wiped frustrated tears from his eyes but demanded they do it again.

“Just pry my mouth open if you have to. It’s fine. I want it- I want it over with,” Hux said, his voice on the verge of cracking.

This time, Kylo gently nudged Lesath aside, kneeling at the bed at Hux’s feet and resting his head in his lap. He took Hux’s pale hands and held them gently on either side, stroking them with his thumbs.

“ _I know you can do this,”_ Hux heard the deep voice in his mind, suddenly. _“You’re brave. You can do this.”_

“...Do it- do it again.”

Lesath approached cautiously and Hux shut his eyes, his grip on Kylo’s hands tightening. It was quick- just like she said, but Hux coughed and gagged miserably once it was removed and Lesath sealed it away, murmuring a quiet “good job” as she did so. Hux looked like he was about to vomit, his face pale with streaked tear tracks and a trembling lip. Lesath excused herself quickly, disappearing into the living area to deliver the sample to M3.

Hux took a few shuddering breaths, on the edge of sobbing, as Kylo stood up and hugged him. Hux buried his face into Kylo’s shoulder as he tried to compose himself.

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” Kylo muttered after a while. “But you can.”

Hux was silent for a few moments.

“Every time I have to- when I’m like that I- I’m so stupid, I keep thinking I’m back there, and he’s going- he’s gonna-”

Kylo felt his stomach drop as he felt Hux’s mind open to him: scattered memories through the force- only flashes, like finding the pieces of torn up photographs- nonetheless confirming his suspicious he had hoped weren’t true.

_eyes scrunched closed._

_unwanted intrusion of his mouth, his throat-_

Kylo shuddered and pulled him closer.

“You’re not stupid,” Kylo said, finally, not knowing what else to say. “I know you wanted to do this yourself but- it’s okay. It doesn’t make you weak.”

Hux scoffed.

There was a silence between them.

“Did you know I’m afraid of the dark?” Kylo blurted out, suddenly.

Hux pulled back, confusion in his teary-eyed face.

“What?”

Kylo flushed, avoiding his eyes. Maybe he shouldn’t have said that.

“It’s.. because of an experience, or several, really, that I had… not like yours- not completely, but. I- I just don’t like being in the dark,” Kylo rambled, taking a nervous gulp. “I used to sleep with a nightlight, even here. On the Finalizer.”

Kylo's face was dark red. He had never told anyone this before. Not that there was anyone to tell.

“But we... you always sleep in the dark when we’re in here,” Hux replied, confused. 

“Yeah, it’s. When I can feel you, when you’re next to me, I’m not scared of it any more. Because I’m not- not alone.” Kylo continued avoided Hux’s eyes. “I don’t mean to make this about myself, I just- thought you should know you’re not the only one with stupid fears. Not that your fear is stupid! I just-”

“You idiot,” Hux sighed, pulling him back into the hug. “...I suppose it’s the same with me.”

“Hmm?”

“I could feel you. Your head in my lap and your hand in mine, I knew I was here, not... back there. When you’re with me I feel...” Hux sighed, looking for the right word. “...safer.”

Kylo squeezed him tighter. Hux let out an annoyed huff but reciprocated.

“Two commanders of the First Order, scared of cotton swabs and the dark,” he continued, closing his eyes and resting his head against Kylo’s shoulder.

“What a pair we make,” Kylo muttered.

Hux smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg i finally got around to titling my chapters. lemme know what you think, etc etc etc
> 
> also more lesath next chapter, just ended up cutting this chapter a little early because i think it ends nicely here.


	9. A gift

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know it’s been a while, so you may want to re-read chapter 6 before this one if you’re confused at the end.
> 
> Also in this chapter: made up star wars medical science

★★★

 

A few minutes later and Hux was sleeping soundly - finally getting the rest he needed after a long, stressful day. Kylo pulled a blanket over him, gently tucking him in and watching his chest rise and fall with his breaths. He felt strangely proud of Hux for handling the appointment so well. He knew facing a phobia head-on was far from easy.

Hux would never believe him, but he was one of the strongest people Kylo knew.

He smoothed the blanket down one more time and exited the room quietly, looking for Lesath. She was seated in the small living area, the M3 droid across from her. She nodded at Kylo as he entered the room and beckoned him over.

Kylo sat next to her on the couch. M3 beeped in greeting and Kylo nodded at it.

“How’s Hux doing?” Lesath asked.

“He’s fine now, Kylo answered, fidgeting with his hands in his lap. "He went back to sleep.”  
  
“Good, good. He needs rest.”

M3 was whirring softly. There was a small screen on the body of the droid - various readouts and statistics that went almost entirely over Kylo’s head as he tried to make sense of it. There was one thing that he recognized, at least - a green progress bar at the bottom. It was about three-fourths of the way full.

“The droid, it's making the medicine, right? How does it work?” Kylo asked, curious.

Lesath’s eyes lit up.

“It’s an incredible piece of technology, really. I just give it the swab sample, so it has Hux’s DNA and the DNA of the pathogen on file. It sends that data back to the medcenter servers, which decode it and do the calculations, then the server sends back the ‘recipe’ for M3 to synthesize. By taking into account both Hux’s DNA and the particular strain of the disease, it allows the medication to work much more efficiently,” Lesath said.

“Of course, though, they’re also rather… expensive, and specialized, somewhat hard to get our hands on occasionally,” she added.

Kylo suddenly remembered destroying several expensive-looking medical droids after waking in hospitalization after a bad mission. He avoided her gaze.

“Wow. That’s, uh. Cool.”

Lesath laughed.

“It’s a lot more complicated than that, but. That’s pretty much as far as I understand it. I’m a doctor, not an engineer.”

“Hux would probably find it interesting. If it weren’t… y’know,” Kylo gestured vaguely.

Lesath nodded, clicking her tongue. “Speaking of him,” she said, “He added you as a medical contact in the system, meaning we can talk about his appointments and such without breaking patient confidentiality. I was going to ask about it but it looks like he already did it himself.”

"Oh, that’s,” Kylo stammered, growing red. “That’s good.” Something about that, in particular, made Kylo’s chest feel a little tight. That Hux trusted him that much.

They watched the progress bar silently as it crept across the bottom of the screen

“I also wanted to ask…" Lesath said, eventually. "Has he given any more thought to therapy?” 

“We... spoke briefly about it. After the mission on Akuria. He thinks it’s like reconditioning or something.”

“Well,” Lesath replied, looking a little affronted. “I’m sure you’re aware it’s not like that at all, of course. I think it’d be very beneficial for him.”

“Yeah, that’s what I was trying to tell him. There are therapists on board the Finalizer, correct?

Lesath chewed her lip.

“We do have psychiatric staff on board, but... given the severity of Hux’s phobia and, I assume, other post-traumatic stress… I’m not sure if any of our staff here are equipped to fully handle it. I want him to have the best treatment available to him. Holo-calls are an option.”

Kylo resisted the urge to scoff. He didn’t like the idea of Hux getting therapy through a holo-screen, for some reason.

“We could also hire someone and bring them on board, but the process would take a while. It would be worth it, though, for the right person,” Lesath added.

“Yeah, maybe.”

M3 beeped, and a small compartment opened, containing a bottle full of pills. The droid also printed out a small sheet of flimsiplast. Lesath grabbed both, handing the bottle to Kylo while she read the flimsi.

“Here are his meds. He needs to take them in the morning and in the evening for a week with food, make _sure_ he finishes the bottle. He should probably stay in bed for another day, but knowing Hux, he’ll probably insist on being back on the bridge. Make sure he gets as much rest and water as he can.”

Kylo nodded, taking the bottle from her.

“You have my number,” Lesath said, resting a hand on Kylo’s shoulders as she stood up and prepared to leave. “Call me if you need anything, alright?”

Kylo nodded.

“Of course.”

★★★

Hux recovered quickly, though Kylo still fussed over him and Hux still pretended to hate it. The week passed and Hux finished the bottle of pills. The entire incident was nearly out of both of their minds, daily life on the Finalizer demanding all of their attention. Snoke had given them new orders, the Starkiller project was entering its next phase of development, and things were going smoothly.

Then Kylo came home one day, and there was a package on the table.

Hux was seated in the living area, curled up in his robe and reading his datapad. He looked comfortable, and in about as good as a mood as Kylo ever saw him in off-duty.

“Courier ship came today. Looks like you have a few things,” Hux said, not taking his eyes off the datapad.

“Oh, good,” Kylo said, unable to remember what he ordered. He went over to the table to investigate.

He opened the large box, going red as he saw 10 bags of potato chips and remembered going on a drunken shopping spree. There was also some expensive-looking lotion and a bag of marbles.

 _These are pretty_ , Kylo thought, holding up the marbles.

He went to put the bags in the pantry and noticed a smaller box off to the side, one he didn’t notice at first. It was addressed to him as well. He put the bags down and opened it, curious, then froze.

It was a little orange, plush cat.

The order had been impulsive: a drunken, emotionally charged idea that could end up being insulting or even upsetting to Hux. They hadn’t spoken about what had happened ever since their discussion on the shuttle.

_Should he even give it to him?_

Hux glanced at him.

“What‘d you get?” Hux asked, looking up from his datapad.

“Some snacks, some other stuff...” Kylo muttered, still holding the package in his hands. “I also... got something for you. A gift.”

“...A gift? Well, that’s certainly kind of you, though you shouldn’t feel obligated.” Hux’s face grew a little red. He was still unused to receiving affection this openly and reacting to it.

“It’s nothing big. I kind of bought it on impulse, you might think it’s stupid, but…” Kylo turned the package in his hands nervously. “Could you close your eyes?”

“...Alright,” Hux replied, a little suspicious.

Kylo took out the toy and felt the synthetic fur, softer than he expected. He put the box back on the counter to discard later, then walked over to the couch.

“Hands out?” Kylo asked, and Hux did so.

He placed the toy in Hux’s hands and chewed his lip.

“You can open, now.”

Hux opened his eyes, looking confused for a moment. He turned it around in his hands and realized what he was holding.

Kylo held his breath for Hux’s reaction, but it didn’t come. Hux simply held it and stared at it, unmoving, his expression unreadable.

After a few seconds, Kylo couldn’t take it any longer, reaching out to grab the toy from Hux.

“I’m sorry, I knew it was stupid-”

Hux drew the toy tightly to his chest and stared at him with an expression that read _don’t you fucking dare._

Silence.

“You like it, then?” Kylo asked hopefully.

Hux didn’t answer, slowly pulling the toy away from his chest to examine it again. He felt the soft fur almost cautiously, as if he were afraid to break it.

It was a long time before Hux was able to speak again. His voice was quiet.

“Thank you, Kylo.”

★★★


	10. Art Lessons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Excited about this chapter for a lot of reasons. I hope you enjoy it!

**FROM: LESATH**

**TO: HUX, A.**  

> I’d like to meet with you and discuss options for therapy and future accommodations. Could we schedule a meeting at your earliest convenience?

Hux stared at the screen, knuckles white around the edges of the datapad.

It had been about a week since his last “appointment”. Between the vaccination incident, getting sick after the mission, and now this, it seemed he couldn’t catch a break.

He wanted to get angry, wanted to blame this on Kylo or Lesath or someone else. But he knew, deep down, that this was something he would have to deal with, eventually. It was larger than a single appointment. If he put it off, the fear would continue to gnaw at the back of his mind, just like it had been ever since he gained the authority to override his own medical appointments.

But if he scheduled it, no matter how soon, he’d be paralyzed with anxiety while waiting for it. That was unacceptable, especially when there was work that needed to be done elsewhere.

He checked his chrono. He wasn’t scheduled to be on the bridge today unless there was an emergency, so he could set his own schedule. He normally spent days like this doing work in his office as he was now, but no one would question if he was missing for an hour or so.

Fuck it. He would go to the medbay now, to her office, and get it over with. He wouldn’t be a coward, running away from his fears any longer.

He just had to pick something up, first.

**⋆⋆⋆**

The sound of boots hitting the immaculate durasteel floor filled the quiet medbay lobby.

Hux took a breath and reached the receptionist, who startled and immediately snapped into perfect posture at his presence.

" _INEEDTOSPEAKTODOCTORLESATHRIGHTAWAY_ ,"Hux said as calmly as he could, perhaps gripping the edge of the counter a bit harder than strictly necessary. The poor girl looked terrified, which Hux supposed meant he wasn’t doing a particularly good job of keeping it cool.

“Yes, sir! Her office is just right down this hallway on the left, but if you could just have a seat, I can call her right away and-”

“THANKS!” He said, walking briskly away towards the door. The hallways were empty. So far, so good. He was doing great.

The door had a biometric scanner, as did almost all offices on the ship. He knocked, to no answer.

...That was fine. He could wait.

He put his hand in his pocket and felt the soft, faux-fur texture under his fingertips.

He was fine.

A half minute later and sweat was building up on the back of his neck. He heard footsteps in the hallway behind him.

Maybe he wasn’t fine.

He pressed in the corner of the scanner, typed in the override code along with his thumbprint, and let himself in.

He felt the tension release from him as the door shut behind him. The office looked similar his own, with a few personal touches, and he was much more comfortable here than waiting in the sterile hallway.

He took a seat in a chair across from the desk. Lesath didn’t know he was here, he realized. Was the receptionist calling her? He had walked away too quickly.

He didn't want to go back to the desk and make himself look like a fool. She would be here eventually, surely.

He pulled out what he had hidden in his pocket: the little, plush cat Kylo had given him. He had named her Millie. He placed her carefully on his lap and pet the fur with 2 fingers, the gentle, non-threatening face of the plush toy soothing his anxiety.

A minute or so later, the door suddenly slid open and Hux’s head shot up. Lesath entered, a datapad tucked under her arm. She didn’t look surprised to see him.

“General! It’s good to see you, I suppose you saw my message?” She said, sitting down behind the desk.

Hux straightened up in his chair. He belatedly realized he should probably put Millie away, but Lesath hadn’t reacted it to it, and having it on his lap made him feel better somehow. Besides, she had seen him at his lowest and then some, this was nothing.

“Yes. I’d like to.. discuss it.”

“Does that mean you’d like to set up arrangements for therapy?”

“Yes.”

Lesath smiled.

“That’s great,” she said, then activated the datapad she had brought with her, searching for something. She located it quickly and turned the datapad so it was facing Hux. “and I have great news.”

The page on the datapad looked like a resume. " _Dr. Abric Thegas_ ” was printed at the top, a name Hux didn’t recognize. Lesath continued.

“I found a wonderful psychiatrist on Vardos who specializes in post-traumatic stress and phobias. He’s more than happy to relocate, and we can hire him and have him on board by the end of the month.”

“Wait- what?”

“I felt having a specialist would benefit you the most. Unfortunately, none of our therapists on board-“

“I thought you were going to be my therapist.”

Silence.

“Oh, no... I’m a physician, I work with the body, not the mind, I’m sorry,” she said, softly. “I wouldn’t be able to give you the help you need.”

“…”

“This is different-“ Hux said, standing up suddenly. Millie fell out of his lap and he felt a pang of distress, resisting the urge to pick it back up. “This- this changes things.” He avoided her gaze.

“Hux, no- sit down. I‘ll help you find whoever you need, but it can’t be me.”

“Why do you even care so much?” Hux asked, looking back up at her angrily. “Having these- off the record appointments, searching out all these people, what do you want from me?”

“Please sit down and we can talk.”

Hux glared at her for a moment, then sat down slowly, bending down to pick Millie up off the floor.

“My duty is to make sure every officer on this ship is as healthy as possible to facilitate the continued functioning of the First Order,” she explained calmly. “Your role on this ship is irreplaceable.”

He didn’t know why, but that response hurt, somehow.

“And I’m human,” she continued. “I want to help you because I like you, and because I’ve seen too many people like you ignore their trauma because they think it’ll go away if they don’t acknowledge it.”

Hux was silent for a long time, ignoring her gaze.

“...I don’t want a male doctor,” he decided, finally.

“That’s okay,” Lesath said, softly. “We can look at other options. I put together a file of other psychiatrists, do you want to see them?”

Hux nodded and Lesath turned the datapad around, navigating to a new page. She quickly removed the male candidates from the folder and turned the datapad back around to Hux.

“I researched all of them individually. They’ve all worked with the First Order in some capacity before, and they‘re all experienced in working with high confidentiality and discretion.”  

He pulled it closer to him, scrolling through it reluctantly. They all looked the same to him. For something of this importance, he would normally spend weeks researching the right solution, but his heart wasn’t in it.

He still didn’t particularly understand what therapy would entail, anyway. The field of medicine, despite his distaste for it, he could at least understand. The human body wasn’t unlike a machine: components could malfunction, and those components could be identified and repaired. The mind was such a vague, messy thing in comparison.

Lesath had already helped him in immeasurable ways, he couldn’t imagine a random psychiatrist off the street being able to help him more. If they had a structure they could follow, some form of guidance-

“What if someone just told you what to do?” Hux said, his head snapping up.

“What?” Lesath said, surprised.

“What if you just hired a psychiatrist from your file and she told you how to- fix me or whatever,” Hux said with a vague hand wave. “They could stay on their own planet, have no idea who I am, and I’d never have to interact with them.”

“You’re suggesting therapy by proxy?”

“Yes.”

Lesath sat back, considering it.

“I don’t want to make any promises,” she said, finally. “I’d have to speak to one of them and make sure it’s feasible.”

“But you’ll think about it?”

“I’ll think about it,” she said with a nod.

It was done. They had reached an agreement- sort of.

Hux exhaled, shakily, as if all the tension that had built up over the last hour was escaping him at once. He didn’t realize how anxious he had been until that moment.

It caught him off guard, and his breaths kept coming, shakily, in the way they did when he was about to cry. He brought a hand up to his eyes, confused when it came back wet.

Lesath pulled a tissue box from behind her desk and handed it to him.

“Why am I-” he started, dabbing his eyes with a tissue. “What’s—”

“You’re under a lot of stress, it’s okay. Don’t fight it.” Her voice was calm, reassuring.

He sobbed quietly for a few minutes. It was weird; he didn’t feel overly distressed or sad, but the emotional release felt good. He found that once he started, he couldn’t easily stop, and the tears kept coming.

“I’ve been—” Hux sniffled, “like this so much lately, why? What’s happening to me?”

“You’re letting yourself feel, probably for the first time in your life,” Lesath said, pulling her chair around the desk so that she was closer to him.

“It’s okay?” Hux asked, feeling for Millie in his lap.

“It’s okay, Armitage.”

Armitage suddenly felt very small.

It was the first time he could consciously feel himself slipping into that headspace when Kylo wasn’t there. He didn’t know what to do. Lesath had said it was okay to cry, and crying had made him feel better. So he kept crying, sobbing into the tissues that Lesath kept handing him.

“You’re alright. Just let it out,” she said, her voice even and soothing.

Armitage did, continuing to cry until he was lightheaded and had filled the trash bin with tissues. He did feel better, he thought with a sniffle.

A bottle of water had put in his hand and he uncapped it, tucking Millie into the crook of his elbow. He took a sip, and the cold water made his throat feel a lot better.

He wanted to give some to Millie too, but he’d have to pour the water in the cap so that she could drink it and he was afraid of spilling it.

“Thank you. ‘m sorry,” he muttered, avoiding Lesath’s eyes.

“You don’t need to apologize for anything. Do you know how old you are right now?”

Armitage blinked. He had never considered that, never thought about himself when he was like this. He didn’t know. He didn’t know if he knew.

“If you’re not sure, that’s okay.”

Armitage thought about it.

He raised up a single hand, five trembling fingers.

“Five? That’s good. Thank you for telling me.”

Armitage held Millie close to his chest and nodded. He was a bit scared, but not like he was when he was getting a shot. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do, or what he was expected to do. He wanted to suck on his fingers like he did when he was anxious, but even five was too big to do that.

“Do you want Kylo to come and get you?” Lesath asked.

He wanted Kylo, but Kylo was probably off doing more important things than babysitting him. Kylo might be mad if Armitage interrupted him. He didn’t think Kylo would hit him, but maybe if Kylo got too annoyed with Armitage he would stop loving him, and that thought made Hux’s chest go tight with fear.

Armitage shook his head, no.

“Okay. Let me know if you change your mind, but you can stay here as long as you want, alright?”

Armitage nodded. He would wait here with Millie until he felt brave enough to leave. Kylo would be proud of him for not bothering him. He would sit here still and quiet and not bother Dr. Lesath either, who was too nice to him and probably also had more important things she had to do.

Lesath rolled around to the other side of the desk and rifled through the drawers.

“Do you like to draw?” She asked.

“Huh?”

Lesath pulled out a stack of flimsiplast on the desk, and a few pens.

“I wish I had some different colors, but you can use these to draw if you’d like. Or you can do something different, but I’m afraid my office isn’t very full of activities.”

Armitage picked up a pen carefully and studied it. She wanted him to draw? It had been a long time since he had written or drawn anything by hand.

“What do I draw?” He asked.

“You can draw anything you like.”

He stared at the paper, flat white underneath him. It felt like a trap, but Lesath wasn’t like that, right? But what if he drew the wrong thing and made her mad?

“How about you draw something that makes you happy?” Lesath suggested.

Something that made him happy? What made him happy? Millie made him happy, and so did Kylo. He remembered the night after he got the scary shot and Kylo held him on the sofa and gave him yummy food. He had been scared and crying for a long time, but then Kylo made him feel better.

He uncapped the pen and started to draw.

He started with Kylo, drawing his long hair and black robes, but soon realized that he made a mistake. Kylo’s left arm was shorter than his right arm, and he couldn’t erase it. He stared at the paper, mad at himself.

“May I see?” Lesath asked.

“I messed up,” Armitage said, sulkily. “I’m not good at drawing.”

“It’s okay to make mistakes.” Lesath said. “That’s what makes it art!”

Armitage looked at her suspiciously.

“It’s okay to make mistakes?”

“Yep!”

Armitage looked back at the paper and cautiously picked up his pen again. He finished Kylo and then drew himself, and Millie, and all his favorite sweets on the couch. Millie wasn’t there that night but Lesath said to draw what made him happy, and also that mistakes were okay, so he drew her anyway. While he was drawing, Lesath was doing something important-looking on her datapad.

When he finished, he picked up his drawing and looked at it critically. There were a lot of mistakes, but he had fun drawing it. There was a small smile on his face, but it quickly faded as his mind caught up with him.

Fun. Why was he worried about fun? If he showed this to Father, he would have torn it up in front of him, and then maybe hit him. he wasn’t supposed to worry about trivial, childish things like fun, he was supposed to be training, learning, listening, obeying—

Armitage started crying again. He couldn’t help it.

“Armitage! What’s wrong?” Lesath asked, surprised.

“It’s stupid. I’m not- I’m not supposed to-“

“Not supposed to what?”

“B-be drawing or- or doing- fun things.”

“You’re not supposed to have fun? Who told you that?”

“Father,” he sniffled. “Everyone.”

“Your father was wrong, okay? It’s important to have fun,” she said, handing him a tissue. "And he’s not here. No one’s going to get mad at you or punish you.”

Armitage sniffled and nodded, wiping his swollen eyes with the tissue

“Can I see your drawing? It looked really good.”

Hux showed it to her. Lesath smiled; a full, toothy grin he had never seen on her before.

“This is great! You’re a little artist, aren’t you?” She said, handing the paper back to him. Armitage smiled shyly. It felt good when people said nice things like that to him.

Before he could respond, there was frantic beeping outside the door, which was forced open with a harsh, mechanical noise. They both froze, and then Kylo was forcing his way inside, helmet off, panting and sweating. The door closed behind him with a groan.

“Lord Ren!” Lesath said, surprised.

Hux stuck his fingers in his mouth and bounced his leg, holding Millie and his drawing to his chest.

“What’s—” Kylo panted, out of air— “What’s wrong? What happened? I sensed- you were- you were crying, and then- younger?”

He stared at Armitage, but he couldn’t speak, suddenly, the words feeling like jumble inside his mind. There was a brief silence before Lesath answered for him.

“Hux came in to discuss therapy options. We had a good conversation, but it was a little stressful. He wanted to stay here for a little bit, and everything’s okay now.”

“Why didn’t you call me?”

“He asked me not to.”

Kylo looked sad, and that made Armitage feel sad too. He didn't want to be a baby and make Kylo take care of him, but he accidentally hurt Kylo’s feelings instead. He stared at the floor, ashamed.

“Armitage-” Kylo said, sinking down to his knees. “Are you alright? Is everything okay now?”

Armitage nodded. He wanted to say he was sorry, but his voice still wasn’t working. He felt a funny feeling in his head, like Kylo was in there, for just a moment. Kylo’s expression changed, and he seemed to understand, then.

Kylo leaned in and hugged him.

“I’ll always have time for you. Okay?” Armitage nodded and Kylo kissed him on the cheek. “Silly boy,” he added, softly.

“Do you want to show Kylo what you drew?” he heard Lesath say.

Kylo leaned back, looking curious.

“What you drew?”

Armitage looked at his drawing. The paper was sort of crumbled by the hug, which made him a little sad. He still wasn’t sure if he wanted to show Kylo. Lesath said she liked it, but maybe Kylo would think it was stupid.

“May I see?” Kylo asked.

Armitage gave the paper to Kylo, shyly. Kylo looked at it and after a moment, showed the same toothy grin that Lesath had earlier.

“That’s you and me? You made this?”

Armitage nodded.

“I love it. Thank you, sweetheart.”

Kylo stood up a bit and kissed him on the forehead. Armitage felt very warm and happy. He had made Kylo happy. Kylo hadn’t got mad at him or called him stupid or other bad words. Armitage had already cried so much today, but he couldn’t help a few more tears slipping down his cheek. Kylo gently wiped them away.

Armitage wasn’t sure what happened after that, tuning out of his surroundings. He was very tired from crying and still a little scared (he always was), but feeling very relieved that Kylo was there and happy to see him and not mad at him. He heard Lesath and Kylo talking, but it was like fuzzy background noise. He let his eyes close and his mind go blank. 

He felt Kylo pick him up, and Armitage wrapped his legs around his waist, surprised. Kylo supported him with two arms under his rear.

“Lesath knows a secret way to our rooms that no one uses. We’ll be back home in a minute,” he said and kissed his cheek. Armitage nodded, and tried not to fall asleep as Kylo carried him back home.


	11. The L Word

Hux came to slowly, blinking away his blurry vision. He was in bed, dressed down to his undershirt and briefs, drooling a little on the pillow and holding Millie close to his chest. Kylo was beside him, snoring softly. Was it morning? It didn’t feel like morning. He still had gel in his hair and didn’t remember going to bed in the first place.

He groaned and rolled over to check the time. It was only 15:32, just a little into the afternoon.

Hux groggily remembered what had happened - the meeting with Lesath and Kylo coming to get him. Kylo had carried him back to his quarters, through some sort of… secret hallway? He didn’t know when they had gotten back, but if he had to guess, he figured he had only been asleep about an hour or so.  
  
His face burned as he remembered how he had behaved in front of Lesath and Kylo, but part of him was too weary to care. Lesath and Kylo had seen _that_ side of him several times and weren’t treating him any differently. If this was going to continue to happen, he might as well stop feeling sorry for himself.

His stomach growled, loudly, and he realized another thing: He hadn’t eaten today. The impromptu meeting really had thrown him off schedule.

He crawled out of bed, taking Millie with him and taking care to not wake Kylo. He wasn’t sure if he was ready to talk to him, yet.

He grabbed his datapad off the table and scrolled through the notifications as he went to retrieve a protein bar from the kitchen pantry. Thankfully, it had been rather quiet today. The most exciting thing was a new shipment of mouse droids, and he did want to inspect those. He could delegate that, but he liked to see what was going in and out of his ship with his own eyes. Plus, maybe getting back to work would help him recalibrate his system.

But first, he needed to eat. And think.

He sat down at the small kitchen table with his datapad and protein bar. There was a file on the table - an actual paper file, rather than a datapad. Curious, he set the datapad down and opened it.

The drawing he had done just a few hours earlier was inside - the hesitant little scribbles of him, Kylo, and Millie on the couch together.

Hux shut the file quickly, embarrassed. Kylo must have put the drawing there to protect it. Hux briefly considered throwing it out, but another part of his mind found the suggestion absolutely unthinkable.

His heartbeat was racing a little and his face was still red.

_From a drawing. Ridiculous._

As he ate, he made a mental list of objectives, trying to calm himself.

_One. Get the list of psychiatrists from Lesath._

He needed to pick someone out that seemed… non-objectionable. He would still prefer if he never had to meet them, but that also needed to be worked out. Which brought him to his next objective,

_Two. Figure out what this treatment will actually entail._

Especially if there was going to be a new party involved, he needed to know all the facts before he went any further.

_Three. Inquire about secret medbay hallways?_

The idea that there were passages on his ship he wasn’t aware of unnerved him, even if it had come in handy this time.

Those were good short-term goals, he reasoned. He would send Lesath a message tonight and go forward from there.

Feeling better, he picked Millie back up, walking back into the bedroom to get dressed. Kylo was still sound asleep- hair in tangles and sticking up everywhere, Hux noted fondly.

He put Millie back on the bedside table, where he always left her when he was out of his quarters. He fixed her little whiskers, making sure they were tidy before he started to dress himself.

There was still plenty of time left in the day, he told himself. It was okay. He would go inspect the new droid shipment, check on the bridge, and then retire to his quarters and go back to reading reports.

He tugged his boots on and took a deep breath.

It was going to be okay.

**⋆⋆⋆**

 

A few hours later, Hux was back, feeling much more like himself. The few hours out of his schedule hadn’t hurt anything after all. The inspection went flawlessly, the troops and officers seemed in high morale, and the bridge was running smoothly.

He sat down by the kitchen table and pulled off his boots, stretching his feet with a sigh. The Finalizer was not a small ship, it was quite a lot of exercise simply to walk from one end to the other. It always made him feel better, though. The officers and troopers snapping to attention as they saw him, the low hum of the engines underneath his feet as he paced the halls, the view of the stars outside the massive viewports on the bridge all reminded him of his purpose, of the power he commanded.  

As he considered this, he looked up and saw the drawing he had done, taped up neatly on the conservator.

A child’s drawing, done in the hand of an adult, pasted up on the wall like a sick joke, a cruel reminder of what he was, and what he _wasn’t_. The kind of thing that loving parents did with their children’s creations. The kind of thing Hux had never experienced.

Would never experience.

He sat there, his blood going cold and then hot. He stood up slowly, shaking, and walked to the bedroom.

He opened the door. Kylo was sitting on the bed, reading something on his datapad.

“Hux! How are you-"

“Is this your idea of a _joke_ ?” Hux snarled.   
  
Kylo paused, confused.   
  
“What are you talking about?”   
  
“That _shit_ you have taped up in the kitchen.”

Kylo raised an eyebrow, putting his datapad in his lap.

“...Well considering you drew it, I didn’t think so but- Okay, okay, I can see you’re angry, sorry-“ Kylo said, raising his hands.   
  
Angry was an understatement. Hux couldn’t remember feeling this furious in years. His throat was starting to tighten up and _no_ , goddamnit, he was not five right now, he was not going to start crying. Millie was on the other side of the bed, separated from him, and he was _not_ about to go get it, was not about to seek comfort from his stupid doll.

“Take it down,” he said, trying as hard as he could to keep his voice from wavering.   
  
Kylo got up from the bed silently, walking past Hux, into the kitchenette to where the drawing was taped up. He took it down, taking care not to damage it, and put it neatly back in the file where it was originally,

“There. Are you happy?” Kylo asked, sounding strangely… hurt? He wasn’t laughing at him or reveling in his joke like Hux thought he would be.

Hux wanted to say something, wanted to yell at him but felt wordless.

Kylo walked straight back to the bed and climbed into it, facing on his side away from Hux and crossing his arms.   
  
“Are you _pouting_?” Hux asked in disbelief.

“No.”  
  
“Yes, you are! You are absolutely pouting right now!”   
  
“Am not.”   
  
Hux just stared at him, baffled.

“What the hell is your angle here?” Hux shouted, after a moment. “What are you trying to get from me?”  
  
“I fucking like taking care of you! Okay!” Kylo shouted back, turning back over to face him. “And I’m sorry! I realize it’s just- traumatic bullshit that you don’t want to be reminded of, and I’m sorry. Can we let it go?”   
  
Kylo looked like he was about to cry, himself, eyes angry but lip trembling.

Hux felt himself deflate slightly, the anger leaving him.   
  
“You... what?”   
  
“You heard me,” Kylo said, rolling back over on his side.   
  
“No, I,” Hux started, quietly, unsure. “It’s not that. I thought...I thought you were just making fun of me.”   
  
Kylo rolled over again, slower. He looked sad, confused.

“Making fun of you?”

“Yeah, like. Making a joke. Rubbing it in my face. Hanging that up as you would- would hang up an actual child’s drawing, and not…” Hux’s voice was near a whisper as it drifted off.

“I would never- never joke about something like that. I promise you,” Kylo said, looking sad.   
  
“I didn’t think you would either,” Hux said, walking to the bed. “I just. Didn’t understand-”

Kylo’s expression softened.   
  
“Oh Hux... come here,” he said, holding his arms out.   
  
Hux acquiesced and climbed into bed with him, wrapping his arms around him.   
  
“It’s been a weird fucking day,” Hux whispered.   
  
Kylo kissed his cheek.

“I should’ve spoken to you before I did something like that. I’m sorry,” Kylo said.

“It’s okay. I… jumped to conclusions. I didn’t understand why you would want to put something like that up. it’s just- scribbles,” Hux said.

“It’s like I said. The drawing you made, it just. It just made me really happy-“ Kylo’s voice broke at the end and he started sobbing. 

Hux blinked, surprised. He shushed Kylo and wiped away his tears, just like Kylo had done for him just a few hours ago.

Kylo kept talking, his words high pitched and trembling.

“You’re smiling in the picture, and I’m holding you, and- I’ve never made anyone happy before,” he said, sniffling. “I’ve never taken care of anyone. or had anyone depend on me.”

“I love you,” Kylo said, voice trembling.

“I really fucking love you, and I don’t want to mess this up, okay?”

“I love you too,” Hux whispered. His heart was pounding, inexplicably.

(How many times had he almost said those words, only to back away, afraid?)

Kylo started crying harder and Hux just held him, letting him sob into his shoulder.

Hux chewed his lip, considering his next words.

“I like it when you take care of me too. Even when I’m an adult, but especially… the other times. I like it a lot. And I was worried that just made me a freak, or that I was-“ Hux swallowed around the lump in this throat- “ _weak,_ and you wouldn’t want me.”

“So I like taking care of you. And you… like being taken care of. So we don’t need to be embarrassed?”

“That sounds right.”

“...”

After a moment, Hux reached over Kylo’s side, stretching towards the nightstand. Realizing what he wanted, Kylo floated Millie over to Hux, who nuzzled her in between him and Kylo, content.

“You can put the picture back up, if you want,” Hux said, burying his face into Kylo’s shoulder.

“I will,” he whispered and kissed his hair.

“We’re both idiots, aren’t we?”

“I suppose we are.”

They both chuckled, and Kylo held him a little tighter.

“...Lesath said you were thinking about therapy,” Kylo said, after a long moment.

“Yes.”

“Do you want to talk about that?”

Hux sighed.

“She says she can’t be my therapist. She wants to hire someone and bring them on-board. … I don’t know how I feel.”

Kylo rubbed his back.

“I feel like I finally got over my trepidation towards her, and now I’ll have to start all over again with someone new. And that’s someone entirely new who knows this... information about me, another liability.”

“I understand.”

Hux laid there in his arms, knowing he was wrinkling his uniform and not finding it in himself to care.

“l- I...” Hux couldn’t get the words out. “You know,” he whispered.

Kylo kissed him, softly and deeply.

“I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have some art for y'all as well:
> 
> Hux in some cute PJs: [[here]](https://r2q5.tumblr.com/post/179724834539/busy-bee)
> 
> Hux and Millie: [[here]](https://r2q5.tumblr.com/post/179771951419/armie-and-millie)


End file.
